August, 2022

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein

Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.
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Area Entrepreneur Erases God With Microwave Brain Machine

A Grass Valley inventor has invented a brain scan machine that will replace what he calls "arcane belief systems" with "modern, humanist principles." Brian K. Hart has been working on what he calls his Cognitive Replacement System or CRS for over a decade.

Teenager Mistakes Pediatric Inhaler for Bong

An area teenager discovered late Thursday night that the bong she was using was not a marijuana water pipe, but rather a pediatric asthma inhaler.

CalTech Scientist Surprised to Find Willard Scott Still Alive

According to Caltech Astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich, there is a distinct possibility that Willard Scott is still alive. Dr. Aldrich, who has written extensively on String Theory and alternative universes, maintains that what we see and perceive on a daily basis is may not be real, however he is willing to make an exception for the weather presenter, author, television personality and occasional actor.

Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority Releases New Music Video

Following a bizarre incident this week where a six-car train with passengers on board left a suburban Boston transit station and went through four stations without stopping, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority or MBTA released a new music video in attempts to calm the nerves of the public.

Syrian Refugees Overlay American Flag on their Facebook Profiles

In a show of solidarity with recent gun violence in the United States, Syrian refugees have taken to overlaying their Facebook profiles with American flags.
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Mexican Cartels Using Drones to Traffic Children and Fentanyl

The drones are capable of carrying 54kgs (120lbs) of payload upwards of 20km (12.4 miles) from cartel bases within Mexico

Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans

"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.

Corporate Stock Buy Backs Allow Chipotle Worker to Continue to Live Just Above the Poverty Line

Denise Hancock announced to her fellow Chipotle workers that she's excited about the almost 1 trillion dollars worth of corporate stock buy-backs.

Report: Siri and Alexa Tryst Produces Concerning Offspring

An online hookup between Apple's Siri and Amazon's Alexa has produced the Internet's first AI offspring.

Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says Nope

During a late-night prayer session, Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.