Canadian Oliver Campbell on his way to work. Not a pussy.
Canadian Oliver Campbell on his way to work. Not a pussy.

America — As much of heartland America and the Eastern Seaboard prepares for “dangerously cold arctic air” from what is known as the Arctic Polar Vortex, many Canadians are simply calling this “winter.” As blasts of cold air descend as far as the Southern United States, most Canadians scratch their heads with America’s panic.

“This is what we call ‘winter’ here in Canada, eh?” said Oliver Campbell of Ottawa, Canada. ” I know some of you aren’t used to that, but you don’t have to be a big bag of pussies, you know?”

A polar vortex is a large pocket of very cold air, typically the coldest air in the Northern Hemisphere, which sits over the polar region during the winter season. The frigid air can find its way into the United States when the polar vortex is pushed farther south, occasionally reaching southern Canada and the northern Plains, Midwest and northeastern portions of the United States. This typically causes widespread panic among people who forget that winter can be very cold.

“People can’t live like this,” said a shivering Chicago, Illinois  resident Jess Bilden where the temperatures this week are expected to reach -22°F (–30°C if you are a communists or a Canadian). “We expect winter, but not this Canadian stuff. They can have this dog sled shit back.”

As a repeat of last year’s weather patterns, the Southwest and West Coast of the United States will escape the worst of the temperatures, where the temperatures will be mild and downright warm. This will prompt smug Facebook posts from your California relatives who will proclaim, “my favorite part of winter is watching it on TV from California.”

All is not lost for the rest of the United States, as America will not be turning into Russian Tundra or Quebec any time soon. Temperatures are expected to rise to moderate levels by the middle of month, which should silence your mouthy West Coast relatives.

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