San Juan Ridge, CA — In what some are hailing as a breakthrough in the movement, local anti-vaccine activists and Wicca practitioners have teamed up to prevent childhood vaccinations and treat Autism with Witchcraft.
Wicca is a modern pagan, witchcraft religion, which is highly decentralized and somewhat anarchistic. It was developed in England during the first half of the 20th century, and it was introduced to American White People in 1954 by Gerald Gardner, a retired British civil servant. It draws upon a diverse set of ancient pagan and 20th-century hermetic motifs for its theological structure and ritual practice. It grew into prominence during the American Cultural revolutions of the 1960s and 1970s.
“With this announcement, Wicca and the anti-vaccine proponents team up to combat the modern Autism epidemic brought on by childhood immunizations,” said Dianic witch Maeve Zephyr Crow at the North Columbia Schoolhouse Cultural Center on Sunday. “With their [anti-vaccination advocates] organizational ability, celebrity connections and zeal, coupled with our sacred Goddess practices, we can finally put an end to vaccinations and cure the diseases brought on by their unnecessary administration.”
Vocal anti-vaccination advocates believe that childhood vaccinations are over-administered at a minimum, and at worst, the source of many disabling diseases like Autistic Spectrum Disorders or ASD. Many in the community also believe that studies that show no link are influenced by conspiratorial forces in the government in cahoots with the pharmaceutical industry. They are also well-meaning, but generally ill-informed, plagued with glaring contradictions and arguably bat-shit crazy.
“It’s a perfect match,” said Lisa Fellows outside the Center. “We are a growing and vocal community who’s had enough with the government making us inject poison into our children. Enough is Enough. And now that we have the spiritual energy and support of the Wicca community, we can tap into higher powers that we never had access to before. It’s a win-win.”
It is unclear at the time of this writing which “higher powers” and rituals anti-vaccine experts will leverage, but the movement is not without its detractors.
“We recommend that all children receive the vaccine schedules under the guidance of their Pediatrician,” said a health official who chose to remain anonymous. “These people don’t realize what privileges they have in not being able to vaccinate. They have never seen a limping child with Polio, or one is gasping for life due to Whooping Cough or one blinded from the Measles.”