While nihilists across the country have tried to reconcile their lack of beliefs with our President's lack of beliefs, one man has decided to analyze his nihilism.
While nihilists across the country have tried to reconcile their lack of beliefs with our President’s lack of beliefs, one man has decided to analyze his nihilism.

Auburn, CA — A man was struck existential recently as he realized that names, headlines, and titles could be misrepresentations of the material provided and that he might, perhaps, benefit by looking deeper into the subjects at hand. This realization has careened him into an existential crisis, but one that has gotten him questioning a few things for once.

“Well, I read this thing about North Korea not actually having any elections for nearly a century,” muses Brent Snidely, “but then, that’s not very democratic, is it? They say they’re democratic right in their nation’s title. I then went on to read how the Nazis co-opted the ‘socialist’ brand to garner more votes, while secretly destroying those who were socialist in their country. I figured they were socialists because that’s in their party name. I guess I was wrong about a lot of things.”

Brent was speaking into our tape recorder at a cafĂ© or bistro in Auburn last Saturday or Sunday. He had a third-party run the tape up to our office because of his concerns about the ‘Deep State’. We have no idea what he was talking about but nevertheless transferred the audio to the FBI, mainly to cover Lou LaPlante’s ass. We kept our recording of the conversation for ourselves.

Mr. Snidely was about a quarter of the way through a tattered copy of Kant and the Platypus when we approached him for our planned interview.

“Dude, nothing you believe is real,” Snidely gasped as he pulled up a chair for me, “chivalry is not dead.”

Recounting his disillusionment with Rocky Mountain Oysters, Hot Dogs, and class president, Brett also laments how alone he felt all those years, how the ‘fuzziness’ Donald Trump brought to the table made him finally believe the United States is the greatest country in the world.

“I never really believed it, the whole USA is the greatest thing ever,” explains Chet, “but as I saw a guy who enjoyed blow jobs take the Oval office, and the next guy is a guy who would refuse them, probably, I kind of gave up on politics. And then a black guy took the Oval office, and I knew that was the beginning of the end.”

While feeling completely adrift in an American miasma, Snidely does try to make sense of the situation he put himself in, and, if possible, shine the light on the cockroach, as it were.

“Trump saved us,” gestures Mr. Snidely, “I mean, now that I look at it, if he hadn’t said what we were all thinking, we would never have thought about how truly fucked up our thoughts are.”

We asked him if stabbing yourself in the abdomen is a good way to learn about edges, but he just said, “both sides can be cool. You guys threw good people aside, too.”

Is America still the greatest nation on the planet?

“It’s almost like you can’t believe anything anymore. Anyway, I decided to try buffalo wings for the first time tonight, I imagine they’ll be pretty big. So we’ll see what happens.”

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