Grass Valley, CA — Scott Foresight has grown tired of his sloppy and inconsiderate roommates in their Bennet Street apartment, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. On Thursday, after removing his two roommates’ body hair from the shower drain, Mr. Foresight created “Friendship” bracelets for them.
“I don’t know who raised these motherless guys,” said an irritated Mr. Foresight in an exclusive Gish Gallop telephone interview, “but I’m certainly not their mama, and I’m sick and tired of cleaning up after them. So I finally had it on Thursday, scooped their mess out of the shower, and made them into pubic bracelets. It was gross, but I think they got the message.”
Mr. Foresight’s roommates were not impressed and did not get “the message.”
“Scott can be an OCD dick sometimes,” commented 23-year-old roommate Justin Barbersol who is not qualified to make any psychiatric diagnoses but is happy to provide them on demand. “He needs to lighten up and not obsess about keeping things clean and paying the bills and whatnot. He needs a little more YOLO in his life.”
Mr. Barbersol seemed somewhat annoyed and confused when asked about the hair bracelets.
“The hair thing? Yeah, that was gross. But, whatever,” continued Mr. Barbersol. “I just threw it out and told him to go fuck himself. Scott told me it was my turn to clean the shower, and I told him that I would do it later, which I won’t because I have more important things to do than pure shit. Like, get high.”
According to Mr. Foresight, he spent over 6 hours creating two body hair bracelets for his roommates.
“It was a process of trial and error. Finally, I made three,” continued Mr. Foresight. “That’s how much hair was in the shower. The first one didn’t look like a bracelet at all. The next two did. The tricky part was getting the hair out of the drain. The stuff around the tub was easy pickings. But pulling the glob out of the drain was gross and difficult.”
As for his future relationship with his roommates, Mr. Foresight was somewhat resigned.
“They don’t care about anything. I’m enabling them by caring for everything, but I can’t live like a slob. I’ll continue to pay the bills and do the dishes. I don’t understand what’s wrong with them.”