Grass Valley, CA — Dustin Jayce Dickens of Penn Valley, CA who drives a Dodge “coal-rolling” truck felt no need to yield at Grass Valley’s controversial roundabout because in his words, “why should I?” Mr. Dickens, who drives an illegally modified Dodge RAM 3500 truck, narrowly missed crushing a Toyota Prius which was exiting the roundabout yesterday afternoon.
Rolling coal is the practice of intentionally disabling the Clean Burn Programming of a computer controlled diesel engine, so that the vehicle can emit an under-aspirated sooty exhaust that visibly pollutes the air. It also may include the intentional removal of the particulate filter. Practitioners often additionally modify their vehicles by installing smoke switches and smoke stacks. Rolling coal is a form of conspicuous pollution. Targets of coal rolling often include owners of hybrid vehicles as well as bicyclists and pedestrians. Coal-rollers are generally considered horrendous, possibly mentally ill assholes, a characterization their narcissistic personalities seem to enjoy.
“I was exiting the roundabout onto Main Street towards town,” said Local Green party leader, former candidate and generally nice guy Derrick Packard. “I had to slam on my breaks when this Dodge truck cut in front of me without yielding. What’s worse, is that this asshole let out a whole bunch of filthy black smoke from his tail pipe.”
According to witnesses at the Union 76 station, Mr. Dickens truck was smoking all the way down East Main Street when he entered the ingress bypass at the Grass Valley Roundabout. Rather than slowing down to yield, he instead accelerated blasting huge amounts of smoke into the air.
“Yeah, I was out resetting the pumps when I saw that 3500 coming down the hill,” said Union 76 gas station attendant Carl Young. “I heard him before I saw him. And then you don’t believe your eyes when you see all this awful smoke coming out of the top of his truck. I thought for sure that Prius was a goner, but the guy slammed on his brakes just in time. At least he got a boost to his batteries by braking.”
Mr. Dickens, who is an unemployed private contractor, was defiant.
“Look, it’s my truck and I can do what ever I want with it. And I’m bigger. Got it?” said an inebriated Mr. Dickens slurring his words in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “All these liberal-environmentalist-types always get their way. And my rig is one way I can get back at them and have my personal liberty restored. And it’s a political statement to that damn Kenyan Socialist in the White House. I dare Obummer to regulate it. At the end of the day, this is America you know, and we have the free rights that everyone else does.”