Peggy Empire's Purse strewn on the Empire's Kitchen Table. Note the keys.
Peggy Empire’s Purse strewn on the Empire’s Kitchen Table. Note the keys.

Cedar Ridge, CA — Recent Vacaville, CA transplant Tommy Empire attempted to search for his car keys in his wife’s purse on Saturday with no success.

“I couldn’t find the damn things,” said a frustrated Tommy Empire from his Cedar Ridge Home. “I let her borrow the keys to my Camry, and when I asked for them back, she said, ‘they’re in my purse.’ It’s some kind of black hole in there.”

According to sources close to the family, Mr. Empire employed a variety of techniques to locate his car keys.

“At first I tried sticking my hands in there and moving it around,” continued Mr. Empire,” but that didn’t work. I kept pulling out makeup, loose change and even a tampon. I put that back real quick. Then I tried just dumping the damn purse onto the kitchen table. I shook it to make sure everything fell out. Still no keys. So I just put everything back in and gave it to Peg [Tommy’s wife].”

According to his wife Peggy, Mr. Empire has a history of no patience.

“Tommy just has no patience for anything,” added Peggy Empire. “As soon as he brought it to me, I pulled his keys out. It’s like this every time.”

Mr. Empire was relieved that his wife found his car keys, but was at a loss to explain why his efforts were unsuccessful.

I’m not a dumb guy, you know?” questioned a rhetorical Mr. Empire. “But for the life of me I couldn’t find them. And then Peg just pulls them out of the purse. I tell you, a woman’s purse has hidden compartments or something. I dunno.”

Ms. Empire says that she’ll try in the future to “just give the keys back to Tommy” instead of putting them in her purse. But she added, “He’s not good about that either. He’ll just put them down somewhere and ask me where his keys are. At least if they are in my purse, I know where they are. Even if he can’t find them.”

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