Nevada City, CA — An area guinea pig continued today to chew its timothy hay thoughtfully but seemingly unconcerned about the collapse of the great American experience. Sugar Peaches, the dual-named male guinea pig owned by 11-year-old Nevada City resident Stephanie Jameson, has been content to not involve himself in any of the vulgar and despicable political discourse that is rapidly contributing to the decline of western liberal democracies.
“Sugar Peaches is happy,” said Miss Jameson as she held the animal for this interview. “All he cares about is his hay and carrots. When I pick him up, he gets kinda scared like I’m going to eat him. But I tell him, ‘no baby, I’m just going to snuggle you. I’m not an Eagle or Dad or anything like that.’ He’s so cute. I love him so much.”
Sources close to the Jameson family said they purchased the black, white and brown guinea pig for their daughter to “teach her some responsibility and skills.” So far, the young Jameson has stepped up to the challenge.
“I have to clean the cage every week,” continued Miss Jameson, “and I have to feed him everyday. I also tell him not to worry about the coming end times as Dad keeps saying. Like, I’ll take care of him no matter what. I tell Sugar Peaches that Dad’s just joking about how he’s food if Hillary gets elected. But he doesn’t seem to care as long as there’s plenty of hay. And carrots of course!”
According to Stephanie’s Father Jason Jameson, he wanted to have chickens and other things “the family could survive on” if Hillary Clinton got elected, but they’re not zoned for agriculture and his neighbors are “asshole democrats.”
“If we lived in town, we could have chickens and such,” said an agitated Mr. Jameson. “But we’re not zoned for ‘ag [agriculture] and we have to keep everything on the ‘down for the pending apocalypse. If I had goats or whatever, my neighbors would rat me out to the county. So I’ve freeze-dried food for years and I got a gun safe. That’s all I’m going to say about that.”
As for the young Miss Jameson, she seems unaffected by her father’s preparation.
“I just love Sugar Peaches. I, like, gave her two names because I couldn’t decide on just one,” said a grinning Miss Jameson. “And Dad says sugar is bad for you, so I figured he won’t eat him if I named him that. Look how cute he is.”