CRS machine in Brian Hart's garage lab. Seen here with converted former Guantanamo Bay terrorist who now goes by the name Richard Dawkins.
CRS machine in Brian Hart’s garage lab. Seen here with converted former Guantanamo Bay terrorist who now goes by the name Richard Dawkins.

Grass Valley, CA — A Grass Valley inventor has invented a brain scan machine that will replace what he calls “arcane belief systems” with “modern, humanist principles.” Brian K. Hart has been working on what he calls his Cognitive Replacement System or CRS for over a decade. He teamed up with esteemed Caltech Astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich who’s ground-breaking book God, Where Are You Now That I’m Dead? explores mathematical data to suggest God is really a dream within a North San Juan man’s brain.

“I first met Tral 12 years ago at a conference in San Francisco,” said Mr. Hart from his Litton Hill Drive garage laboratory. “He was talking about how we what we see and experience is just holograms from brain waves. We got to talking, and I mentioned how I wanted to alter people’s thoughts using low-dosage microwave technology, and the rest, as they say, is history.”

Mr. Hart’s first device, the CRS-420BC was built using a discarded dental machine called panoramic radiograph, which is traditionally used for x-rays. Using regular off-the-shelf parts, and some purchased through eBay, he was able to alter the machine to target the memory centers of the brain.

“At first, I really didn’t have an agenda,” continued Mr. Hart. “I just wanted it to work. But then I thought about the kind of good we could do by ostensibly erasing harmful cognitive structures in the brain. That’s when the Defense Department contacted me. That was, um, 2011 I believe. Anyhow they gave me this $760,000 grant to help me finish building the CRS. Then  I programmed it to eliminate religious extremism from people’s brains. I took it one step further and removed all belief systems and replaced them will reason and other humanist principles.”

According to initial trials, the machine has been a remarkable success.

“I have to be honest,” said Dr. Aldrich from his CalTech office. “I didn’t think any of this would work. But I’ve witnessed the results with my own two eyes and now have written about it extensively. I’ve seen Presbyterians converted into cool, timid rationalists. I know that’s not much of a stretch, but the DoD used his “pano” on two prisoners at Guantanamo Bay Prison. And now they’re not praying five times a day, and are insisting on Amazon Prime accounts. They have joined the 21st Century.”

“I can’t believe the transformation,” said former Presbyterian test subject Rachel Bell of Nevada City. “I can’t remember my old beliefs, but I can tell you, all I want to do now is party and have abortions as fast as possible. My old friends won’t talk to me anymore. Something about ‘the mark of the beast’ or whatever that means, but whatever. I’m finally having the time of my life now. I’m even going to vote Democrat.”

According to Mr. Hart, the CRS machine is still in a prototype phase.

“We’re still testing it,” continued Mr. Hart. “But we’re getting close to being done. Sadly due to my grant, this will not be available for the general public. The Defense Department wants it. Something about an executive order from the President of something. Anyhow, I’m super happy to be advancing the humanist cause. The world has too many religious crazy people, each thinking that the other is a terrorists, ya know? Hopefully this machine can bring some real peace to the world.”

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