Seattle, Washington- Local fisherman, family-man and Bigfoot enthusiast George Hunterson was found dead in the Cascade Range of Washington state near I-90. His body was discovered by hikers when one of them stopped to reportedly “take a major leak” when they discovered Hunterson with multiple maulings over his face and chest.
Todd Newall, the hiker who discovered Hunterson, said “Dude, we were just out here trying to find a good place to have a drum circle next Saturday and we found this guy all jacked up by a bear or something. It was bad. There was blood everywhere and his clothes were all torn up. It’s going to take a lot of coconut oil to forget this trauma.”
We attempted to contact Widow Hunterson to get an interview, but her son Annie answered instead. He said his mom was too busy looking for the bottom of the wine box, but peculiarly he gave us the phone number for the city’s Bigfoot Expert Dr. Wallis. Curious, we called the “Doctor.”
Gish Gallop: Hello, is this Dr. Wallis?
Dr. Wallis: [prolonged silence] Yes…
Gish Gallop: This is Nevada County Gish Gallop looking into the story about George Hunterson. His son gave me your phone number and said you would know how to explain what happened to his dad better than he could.
Dr. Wallis: Look, I told George to leave the damn creature alone. He just had to go back up into the mountains and look for him, didn’t he? I can’t say much because at the moment with the police all over the case I am not any liberty to disclose any more information due to the sensitivity of my client’s case.
Gish Gallop: Wait, client what? Creature? I thought you were a doctor, now you’re a lawyer? What’s really going on here?
Dr. Wallis: Mr. Foot wouldn’t like me talking to you right now. I’m afraid I have to go.”
At this time, the Seattle PD is being quiet about Mr. Hunterson, but looking through local editorials it’s evident that something strange has been going on in the Cascade Region -potentially involving mythical creatures.