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Redding, CA — The Northern California-based Chemtrail Action Network or CAN quietly released a statement praising the Department of Defenses recently leaked memo noting several ivermectin-based geoengineering missions. In the document, released last week by a North San Juan, CA self-described “chemtrail researcher,” the DoD noted that several flights out of Beale Air Force base were a success and that their “ivermectin payloads” were delivered to notable “hotspots” around the country.

“We’ve been accused of being uncompromising extremists on more than one occasion,” said Chemtrail Action Network founder, head council, and chief spokesman Wigeon Danting from his children’s home school bunker. “But we’re willing to make strategic endorsements as long as the geoengineering is not harming our biosphere. Clearly, ivermectin is a safe and effective way to treat COVID.”

According to the memo, the DoD started Operation Horse Paste earlier this month with the goal of “controlling the massive spread of the COVID-19 Delta variant.” It goes on to say that normal chemtrail operations would be put on hold until further notice. It’s unclear what normal chemtrail operations are. But some have an opinion.

“Look, for years now, I’ve sounded the alarm about these spraying operations,” said North San Juan “researcher” and memo-leaker Skyy Wolford. “I have the perfect vantage point to watch Beale [Air Force Base], and I saw the planes doing test drops of horse paste over parts of Yuba County two weeks ago. Then this unmarked envelope showed up last week with the memo.”

Mr. Wolford claims aren’t without corroboration. Several Yuba County residents reported large, brown splotches of gooey material on their cars over the past two weeks.

“So I’m just minding my business on [highway] 70 when all of a sudden I thought I was hit by flying dog shit,” reported Henry Dipple of Oroville.  “To be honest, it wasn’t the first time that’s happened, but it still pisses me off. Anyhow, I made the mistake of trying to clean it with my windshield wipers. You can imagine what happened next.”

The California Highway Patrol sent samples of the poo-like goo to several local labs for analysis after four injury accidents. Authorities and leaders throughout the region had no answer for the ivermectin horse paste’s appearance, but North San Juan’s Mr. Wolford knows.

“It’s obvious the government doesn’t know what it’s doing,” continued a mood-elevated Wolford. “This COVID is minor compared to their real goals.”

When regrettably asked what the “real goals” of the government are, he grew agitated and started nervously looking around.

“Totally control. That’s what they’re after. Our liberties and our precious bodily fluids. They’ve caused this drought and then started the fires on purpose. Now I guess they’re trying to make up for this plandemic with a treatment that actually works, you know? Which tells me that their virus has gotten out of control. It’s straightforward if you turn off all the noise and listen.”

The Department of Defense declined to comment for this story.