San Francisco, CA — Anonymous hackers hacked have into multiple databases related to BTC mining, individual users’ BTC “wallets,” and other various networks working with BTC exchange. Owners of bitcoin.org, Martii Malmi and Gavin Andersen, say that the Anonymous hackers allegedly created their own “mining” operation. Transactions they made with their newly mined BTC included a type of “trojan” virus with the transaction scripts that would seed users’ info back to the hackers that redirect the user’s bitcoins back into Anonymous’ own “wallet.”
The backlash has been felt around the Internet. Companies like tech trading markets, online drug dealers, snuff porn filmmakers, and Papa John’s have essentially lost all access to their sales with customers thanks to their stolen bitcoins.
Software Giant Microsoft was also a victim of the hacks. Many employed by Microsoft receive bonuses in BTC. Bill Gates own personal e-mail account received a strange message from an unverifiable source, hours before the hack was initiated:
We do not forgive. We do not forget. We are Legion.
For years now, bitcoin has been gaining traction in global markets. Anonymous has been watching bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies grow in popularity. We have decided that the inevitable outcome of the ownership of bitcoin will become a corporate monopoly, subject to regulatory government actions. This was not why Bitcoin was created. This is an insult to bitcoin, cryptocurrency in general, and the world. Anonymous will judge what happens to the future of cryptocurrency, and we have decided that we will spread the money to the poor and needy. We are Legion.
Detectives have tried to crack this case but to no avail. So we at Gish Gallop asked our local police station’s Cybersecurity Director, Daniel “Hal 9000” McCoy, his thoughts:
Gish Gallop: It seems that a couple of wannabe hackers have finally done something for once. What does this mean for bitcoin?
Hal 9000: Well, Dave, Anonymous has essentially bottlenecked the entire industry. I just got off the phone with my mining operation. They said the trojan has spread into our systems as well. So I am now penniless and have a giant room full of supercomputers doing nothing but mining more bitcoin for Anonymous.
Gish Gallop: Can’t you pull the plug on the thing?
Hal 9000: No, Dave. In the hacking, scripts were embedded to keep our operation running even if we unplugged all the machines. Their hacking software copied our machine power into a “virtual” mining process being run in an encrypted server that so far no one has been able to access outside of the hackers themselves. So now every computer or device hacked by [Anonymous] is working on making their wallets fatter with or without the user’s consent.
No poor or needy people have received any bitcoins from any Anonymous sources. We at Gish Gallop believe that they were lying about that part of their e-mail and have used the newly found wealth to buy Hot Pockets and beer from Amazon.