Denver, CO — A United Airlines flight bound for Chicago had to make an emergency landing in Denver, CO this week after the cabin filled up with what was described by one passenger as “the most horrendous crap vapor I’ve ever smelled.” The Boeing 757 had just left San Francisco International Airport at 1 pm Pacific Daylight when the captain turned off the seat belt sign allowing passengers to move about the airplane cabin when 35-year-old Linguistic Anthropologist Gene E. Hall of Placerville, CA decided to use the lavatory.

“It was the easily the most horrible thing I’ve ever smelled, and that’s saying something,” said Leonard E. Palumbo, a mortician from Oakland, CA. “I was seated at the back of the plane, and then my wife asked me if I smelled ‘that.’ I was confused until I took a big sniff and vomited onto the seat in front of me. It was terrible.”

According to airline officials, there was no malfunction of the lavatory used by Mr. Hall. And all ventilation systems were functioning correctly.

“It appears that Mr. Hall’s bowel movement was that bad,” said United Airlines spokesmen Sharon Martindale during a Tuesday press conference. “35 minutes into the flight, the cabin filled with a noxious odor that first caused a general malaise followed by a mild panic by the passengers who demanded that the plane land immediately. The flight crew did everything it could to calm everyone, but tensions escalated, and the captain made the decision to make an emergency landing.”

As for Gene Hall, Ph.D., he’s still trying to figure out what happened.

“My wife is always complaining about the smell of my poop. There, I said it. OK?” Exclaimed a defiant Professor Hall in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “And it’s true. Some foods don’t agree with me. I didn’t want to eat that airplane food, so I had a breakfast burrito at the hotel before we left. And boy, I could hardly wait for the captain to turn off the seat belt sign. I suppose I should apologize, but I was doing my natural duty.”

No charges were filed against Mr. Hall for the incident, the FAA and the NTSB are investigating the incident.

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