San Jose, CA — After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings in a stunning announcement.
“This was a decision that took a lot of thought and frankly a lot of Research and Development,” said Adobe’s new Director of Marketing, Bethany Millbright. “Adobe has decided that the Impact font is ironically impacting an entire generation of Millennials, reducing them to communicating in “Internet Memes” instead of more mature and natural forms of language.”
The Impact font is a “realist” sans-serif typeface designed by Geoffrey Lee in 1965 and released by the Stephenson Blake foundry. It is well known for having been included in the core fonts for the Web package and distributed with Microsoft Windows since Windows 98. It has been used extensively in image macros and by Millennials who have lost their ability to speak.
“This simply won’t work for me,” said Deborah Williams(32) of Nevada City. “I spent a lot of time torrenting my free version of Photoshop so I could talk with my friends in Memes. Without the Impact font, I have no idea what to say to them. A meme without text is something my Dad would do.”
According to the three-year study by the Rundex, the Impact font has been widely abused and contributed significantly to the collective lowering of the nation’s precarious IQ. This is nowhere more apparent than in Texas, which is already reeling from losing dozens of stolen brains. In addition, the study found that 3 out of every 5 Millennials uses Memes to conduct their daily formal and informal conversions, and as many as 1.3 out of every 5 used them exclusively.
“We were surprised that Adobe commissioned us to study a typeface,” said Rundex researcher Robert Colvin in a Gish Gallop interview. “But clearly, this was an issue for their brand, and they did not want to be associated with this kind of Internet pathology any longer. We don’t comment on the results as we prefer to allow our clients to do that. But off the record, all this is a little weird.”
As for Adobe Systems’ media software giant was unapologetic and showed no signs of retreating from its decision.
“Adobe is a progressive company,” continued Ms. Millbright. “We want to be on the right side of history and not one contributing to its general malaise. Besides, there are other fonts people can use. Perhaps youngsters can choose a peppy font like Times New Roman or Garamond.”