Boston, MA — Burials at sea can often be a wonderful time of closure for the loved ones of the departed, a way to celebrate the life that was and honor the wishes they expressed during better times as family and friends of Navy veteran Captain Martin Schultz gathered to pay their final respects aboard the USS Carl Vinson.

“The deceased’s body was washed (ablution) and then placed on a white sheet. Some chick was burning frankincense and myrrh – I think she was a little off in the head. Then, the body was placed in a weighted bag,” explains Wade Waters, proprietor of Deep Blue Burials, LLC, who handles all types of the river, lake, and sea burials for funerals. “We lay the body out on a prepared flat board, say many prayers, and tip the thing, so the body slides right off and sinks.” Mr. Waters looks down at his shoes and then says, “It should have been just as routine as it always is.”

The weighted shroud causes the body to sink to the ocean floor, where the impact can, in some cases, stir up things that may be resting there. That appears to have happened that day aboard the USS Vinson.

“Well, we saw this shroud bob to the surface and assumed it was Martin. You never could keep that man down, you know? But, haha,” recounts Maggie Shultz, wife of the departed, “anyway, we noticed that the shroud looked too tattered to be Martin’s, so an officer grabbed this super long hook and pulled it in.”

When they opened the shroud, what they found sent shock waves throughout the US Naval command, the Pentagon, the White House, and Alex Jones’s little micro-universe.

“The damn thing, when we pulled it in, it was fucking Osama bin Laden! Still very dead, but remarkably preserved,” drawls Capt. In an exclusive phone call to Gish Gallop from aboard the Vinson, Abe Draper, “even the sharks didn’t want his sorry ass.”

He tells us what he saw.

“He had a hole smack in his forehead, just like they said. We heard back from the Pentagon that since he had already received his proper Islamic burial at sea, we wouldn’t be breaking any laws or religious rules to go ahead and bring his body back to Washington. So a couple of us hauled his body to the frozen peas locker.”

Osama bin Laden’s body is being preserved in Arlington, VA, and will be displayed in a new wing of the Smithsonian starting in 2019.

Mr. Waters of Deep Blue Burials says that, while he regrets the disruption of this particular client’s mourning time, he thinks they all had a great time.

“Once we saw what Mr. Schultz’s – perhaps overweighted – burial shroud kicked up from the ocean floor, we all started giving each other these patriotic high fives and shit.”

Asked if he has any plans to alter his business practices, Waters explains, “No. I may have to add one more waiver to sign, but this may encourage more people to want a traditional sea burial, you know? Trade your loved one for a sea treasure.”

Each civilian aboard the Vinson that day was given $250,000, presumably hush money, and issued a gag order, which each summarily violated.

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