Palo Alto, CA — A study conducted by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation has concluded that regular cell phone use makes you happier. The 3-year study, titled “Effects of Cell Phone Radio Frequency Signal Exposure on Brain Glucose Metabolism,” was conducted by Rundex with funding from the Centers for Disease Control and found that using a mobile phone as little as 50 minutes per day increases brain glucose metabolism by as much as 26%, which contributed to increased happiness.

“Well, the data doesn’t lie,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin from his Mountain View, CA home office. “Whole-brain metabolism did not differ between on and off conditions. In contrast, metabolism in the region closest to the antenna (orbitofrontal cortex and temporal pole) was significantly higher for on than off conditions (35.7 vs. 33.3 µmol/100 g per minute; mean difference, 2.4 [95% confidence interval, 0.674.2]; P= .004). The increases were significantly correlated with the estimated electromagnetic field amplitudes both for absolute metabolism (R = 0.95, P < .001) and normalized metabolism (R = 0.89; P < .001).”

When asked to clarify what the data means for average citizens, Mr. Rundex bristled.

“Look,” continued Mr. Colvin, “I mean you have a spike in glucose levels. You know, sugar. So that will contribute to all kinds of things like a better mood. Kinda like drinking a can of soda pop.”

The study’s findings are a relief to many locals, several who were worried about the possible effects of a newly proposed cell phone tower in downtown Nevada City.

“That’s certainly a relief,” said long time Nevada city resident Stacy Grant from the porch of her Cottage Street home. “I’m going to remember that when my kids are asking for candy. I’ll just drive them by the cell phone towers to a quick pick-me-up.”

However, not everyone in Nevada City was happy about the study’s findings. Many in the “return Nevada City to 1875” movement expressed skepticism about the study.

“I want to know who’s paying for these studies,” said community activist Saihra Ramun shouting out in front of the New York Hotel on Broad Street. “Who are these shills who are trying to give us brain cancer for profit? Monsanto? Verizon? Cargill? Cargill and Verizon and Monsanto? Think sheeple,” raising her voice.

“And who needs all this sugar in the brain anyway? Sugar is another form of mind control by corporate American and the industrial fluoride complex. We need to get this glucose out of our brains and bodies and eat more organic local food. We need less of this egghead math and more common sense.”

As for Mr. Colvin, he doesn’t “get political” about findings such as these.

“Look, I’m just the data guy,” continued Mr. Colvin. “I don’t make policy, nor do I nor Rundex make any recommendations. We just run the studies and publish the findings.”

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