Calgary, Alberta — In what’s being described as a “tragic scene” which unfolded during a stirring rendition of “The Reflex,” several thousand small girls rushed the stage during a live Duran Duran performance at the Pshaw Millennium Park near Calgary. In their haste to get closer to the 52-year-old rockers, many young, screaming, adoring fans appear to have trampled and squished a handful of Alpha males – self-proclaimed edgelords.
“It was awful. My friend was telling me that the song they were playing was about fags,” explains Brian ‘Keklord’ Keeley, a friend of one of the tough guys killed in the enthusiasm, “the next thing I see is these little twerps being dragged by their little girlfriends just trampling right over him. The irony is he could kick every one of their little asses. It’s ironic. Shadilay!”
We asked why there was a group of self-proclaimed Kekistanis at a Duran Duran concert in Canada and why they were in the front row.
“We were there to make an ironic statement and maybe get a pic of a Simon Le Bon to use as a great Pepe meme. We make great memes, and the left doesn’t,” reminisces George Kekistani, who witnessed the slaughter. “My friend had a cardboard cutout of Pepe he was hoping to get on stage with. Both he and the stupid frog are dead now. We should never have come.”
“His last words were, ‘Trump won. So get over it!’ followed by “What the fuck?!”
Brian continued in a sad voice, “Several of us are MGTOWS, including three of the guys that died. We weren’t even really here for the chicks. So maybe the Keklord thing is a big waste of time.”
The names of the victims of the adolescent trampling have not yet been released pending notification of next of kin. However, according to their Facebook and Reddit accounts, all four victims appear to be in their early twenties and were “going to see Duran Duran smash some normies.”
While no arrests were made, the perpetrators of the musical manslaughter were given a chance to redo their makeup before being led back to the front of the show for all six encores.
One of the edgelords who wasn’t killed, only severely injured, told us from his hospital bed that “the Union of the Snake was pretty tight. Shadilay!”
Asked to comment, a spokesman for the band responded, “I don’t give a wanker’s arse if a closet poofter puffs his chest and gets twatted at one of our shows. That’s part of the fucking fun. So has been since the boys [Duran Duran] first threw on their makeup. Besides, once the band saw what happened, they launched beautifully into Save a Prayer [for the Morning After].”