January, 2022

Area Man Grows Giant Hairy Cock

Walter Truman is primarily an egg farmer in Camptonville, but in an attempt to make a better layer he also breeds chickens.

Latest

Area Man Grows Giant Hairy Cock

Walter Truman is primarily an egg farmer in Camptonville, but in an attempt to make a better layer he also breeds chickens.

Supply Chain Issues Linked to Massive Cat Attacks

Department of Defense officials say they are taking "humane steps" to help "mitigate the threat."

Trump Pushes “Eating Your Shit” as Treatment for COVID

In 2020, it was bleach, in 2021, it was horse paste, and now in 2022, it's your piss and shit as "cures" for COVID-19.

CNN’s Dana Bash Still in Sibling Fight Over Childhood Big Wheel

Esteemed CNN Chief Political Correspondent Dana Bash admitted this morning that she is still struggling with her brother over a Big Wheel he received when they were children.

Area Sports Collector Suspicious of Autographed Ball

Area sports memorabilia collector and owner of Ron's Sports Emporium Ron Jessup has some concerns about a recent baseball brought in by an area man.

FEMA Statement: We’re Fucked

Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) released a statement saying that we're doomed and have no hope.

Why Women Can’t Resist Steve Bannon

There's something about Donald Trump's former Chief Strategist that women can't resist and for years, women of all political stripes have sought Steve Bannon's attention.

Penn Valley to Adopt Confederate Battle Flag

A group of Penn Valley, CA activists have banded together and unofficially declared the Confederate Battle Flag to be its unofficial city flag. They've formed an action group called the Penn Valley Citizens Against Speech Oppression or PVCASO (pronounced "puv cay-so"), which aims to restore the values of traditional, Christian America to America.

Downtown Cell Towers to Power New Popeyes Fried Chicken

After the committee announced that it would allow Verizon contractor Epic Wireless to install as many eight mini cell towers on top of the Friar Tuck's building, new Popeyes owner Nathan Armstrong said the increased Electromagnetic Field (EMF) radiation would help cut his energy costs.

Police Pursue Driver With Oversized Korn Sticker

A 32-year-old, fifth generation Grass Valley man was arrested late earlier this week after a 6-mile, 55 mph with a coordinated and joint pursuit between the Nevada County Sheriff and the Grass Police Departments.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Must Read

Babylon Bee Announces Anti-Masturbation App

Christians have new hope for a current "hand-demic."

Tesla Introduces Retro Line of Cars Featuring AM Radios

Tesla is making history again with its new like of retro electric cars.

State of Jefferson Announces Innovative Fundraising Plan

Proponents of the proposed State of Jefferson have been criticized recently for their failure to provide information on how the creation and operation of their new state will be funded.

Jeff Sessions Promises To Make America 1952 Again

The man that Donald Trump wants to be the nation's top attorney told attendees of a prayer breakfast this morning that he plans to "roll back the 21st century" and "restore the natural order of things" in his tenure.

Starbucks To Manufacture Own Customers

In a bid to boost sales, fill their franchise locations and interestingly lift employee morale, The Starbucks Coffee Company announced Monday that it plans on manufacturing its own customers. The program also seeks to increase customer satisfaction.

Dilbert Seeks Restraining Order Against Creator Scott Adams

In a highly unusual move for a fictitious character, Dilbert requested a restraining order against his creator Scott Adams.

General Store or Someone’s Home: Area Man Unsure

Recent Vacaville, CA transplant Tommy Empire was not sure if the Iowa Hill, CA general store was actually a grocery store or somebody's kitchen.

Stanford Rape Judge’s New Sentencing Guideline: 20 Minutes Or Less, And You’re Free

Judge Persky, holding a press conference early this morning addressed those concerns and also said he's "learned much" from the experience sentencing Turner, and has devised his own, new, "sentencing guidelines."

Michael Moore Terrorizes Area Buffet

Mr. Moore that he often terrorizes buffet restaurant owners. He will often call and whisper into the phone, "I'm coming for you. There will be nothing left," before hanging up.

Area Man Stakes Gold Claim in Irrigation Ditch

Jimmie Brenton of Woodpecker Way said he's grown tired of not being able to exercise his "God-given liberty" to do what he wants with his land. He is also tired of people walking behind his house on the Nevada Irrigation District (NID) Cascade Canal trail.

California Legislature Votes to Allow State of Jefferson to Secede

The State of California Legislature has voted to approve the State of Jefferson to secede from California and form a new state under Article IV, Section 3 of the United States Constitution. The formation of the new state has only one hurdle and that’s the approval from Congress to be admitted into the Union.

How to Roast a Fucking Whole Chicken, by Loretta Splitair

Question: How do you scare a Millennial? Answer: Tell them s/he has to butcher a whole chicken. Now I'm not talking about going out to your coop, finding an asshole hen or rooster and cutting that animal's head off, followed by a plucking.

UN Study: Your Dog Eats Better than 2 Billion People

Rundex Family Foundation has published a report which finds the majority of American pets eat better and have better healthcare than over 2 billion of Earth's inhabitants.

Lifestyle

Nation Continues to Fill-Up On Bread, Despite Warnings

Americans are eating bread at an alarming rate, despite warnings from their mothers.

Anonymous: 4chan LGBT Group Behind Westboro Baptist Church [VIDEO]

"Hacktivist" group Anonymous recently announced that the extremist Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church is actually a front for a group of pro-homosexual activists on popular Internet "imageboard" 4chan.

Yellowstone Bears “Cutting Back” on Obese Visitors

Given that there are a record number of visitors entering the Park each year, and that funding for operations is at all-time low, the park's chief omnivore has had its "pickins" of what to eat

North San Juan to String Beer Bottle Lights

In a bid to outdo Nevada City and "beat them to the punch," community organizers in the rough and tumble little town of North San Juan are installing homemade street lights made out of old, dirty beer bottles.

Super Bowl Ruined By Football Game

The world's most-watched sporting event was almost ruined by a football game.

Caltech Scientist: Facebook Doesn’t Exist

According to CalTech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich, there is a distinct possibility that Facebook doesn't exist the way we have come to understand it. Dr. Aldrich, who has written extensively on String Theory and alternative universes, maintains that what we see and perceive may not be real.

Mass Murder and Suicide Bombing Not Terrorism, Reports FBI

Following a horrific and coordinated mass-shooting and group suicide bombing that killed 51 people and injured 115 others at a Tennessee mall last week, the police and FBI are working in earnest to discern if the perpetrators were terrorists or not.

Business

Jared Fogle Released From Prison

Former Subway spokesman, Jared Fogle, has been released from prison due what authorities say was overcrowding.

Donald Trump Says His ‘Guys’ Will Find Ark of Covenant and Holy Grail In First 100 Days

President Donald J. Trump, with an eye toward the coming year, has started divulging details on his First 100 Day agenda. After securing the Ark, Trump said his "guys" will then set their sights on the cup that, according to ancient mythology, caught the blood of Jesus Christ during his crucifixion.

Most Americans Still OK with the 71,000 Afghans We Bombed to Death

Mr. Bufton doesn't think about the casualties in the Afghan theater. All he knows is that he's keeping America safe.

IBM To Continue Its Long Relationship with Authoritarian Regimes

As the number of companies who have added their names to an amicus brief opposing the travel ban from seven prominently Muslim counties grows, there is still one glaring omission: IBM. This week the number of companies who have joined the opposition to President Trump's discriminatory Muslim travel ban reached 31 as HP, Adobe, Trip Advisor and Pandora added their names.

Spontaneous Flash Mob Breaks Out in Grocery Outlet

In a rare, but not unprecedented event, a flash mob spontaneously broke out late Wednesday afternoon inside of the Grass Valley, CA Grocery Outlet grocery store. Patrons both inside and out joined in the free-for-all melee and danced with mad abandon.

Area Daycare Considering Name Change

An area daycare establishment is considering a name change after it received numerous complaints from parents and community leaders that the business title was inappropriate.

Area Man Fails to Live Up to the Promises of His Deodorant

A Truckee man has sunk into a deep depression after realizing that his underarm deodorant failed to create the manliness he was looking for. 31-year-old Jerry Heard came to this discovery after his trust Old Spice "Swagger"  didn't actually produce any actual swagger in his life.

‘CNN Is Fake News!’ Screams Man Loading His Rifle While Entering Accused Pedophile Pizza Joint

Matt Ricci is 32-years old and considers himself conservative politically. He is a daily subscriber to "Lowder with Crowder," and says he reads at least ten or eleven articles on Breitbart News a day.

Nation’s Barely Literate Angered by Dismissal of Views

According to a recent Pew Poll, America's mediocre thinkers are increasingly frustrated by what they see as a widespread dismissal of their opinions by their fellow citizens with above-average intelligence. Exacerbating their irritation is a seeming inability to communicate coherently.

New Company Creates Meat That Tastes Like Tofu

Now carnivores who crave the bold flavors of tofu now have an alternative meat product.

More Galloping

Brief: Prostitution Ring Discovered In Hot Locked Car

According to authorities, the prostitution ring was being operated out of a Chrysler Minivan.

Misc. Crap for Sale in Cedar Ridge

Really just a bunch of crap to put with your existing crap

Gish Gallop Review: Finnegans Wake is an Impenetrable Piece of Crap

What's the difference between a pile of dog crap and Finnegan's Wake? You can avoid the dog crap by walking around it. I have to read and review Finnegan's Wake.

Rival Deer Found in Grass Valley Front Yard

Grass Valley, CA -- This morning a local reader...

North Korean Leader Upset American Sniper Not About Him

Pyongyang, North Korea -- In a bizarre press release...

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.