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September, 2021

Increased Chemtrail Spraying Leading to Premature Guinea Pig Deaths

Increased aerosolized chemtrail spraying over Northern California has led to an increase in small pet deaths according to area veterinarians.

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Increased Chemtrail Spraying Leading to Premature Guinea Pig Deaths

Increased aerosolized chemtrail spraying over Northern California has led to an increase in small pet deaths according to area veterinarians.

“Racists aren’t the real racists. You’re the real racist,” Says Area Racist

Merton Davies knows a racist when he sees one.

Eric Cartman Based On South Park Creator’s Pet Guinea Pig

According to a new tell-all book, the creator of the Comedy Central show South Park based the popular character Eric Cartman on his childhood guinea pig.

Most Americans Still OK with the 71,000 Afghans We Bombed to Death

Mr. Bufton doesn't think about the casualties in the Afghan theater. All he knows is that he's keeping America safe.

Low IQ Man Can’t Handle The Hectic Pace of California

A California man can't hack the challenges of living in the golden state anymore.

Anti-Chemtrailers Quietly Applaud Ivermectin-based Cloud Seeding Operations

According to a memo, the DoD started Operation Horse Paste Earlier this month with the goal of "controlling the massive spread of the COVID-19 Delta variant."

6G Frightens Even Wireless Companies

Leaked memos reveal that wireless providers are concerned about the upcoming 6G technology.

USA Paralympic Team Refuses to Stand During Star Spangled Banner!

A controversy erupted over the weekend when the United States Paralympics Team refused to stand for the National Anthem during their annual fall tryouts.

Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says No

During a late-night prayer session, both Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.

Town of Ivermectin, CA Tells Medical Tourists to Stay Away

As many as a hundred sick medical tourists show up each day, clogging both the hardware store and the small clinic. The latter was already short-staffed.

Kellyanne Conway Nominated for 2021 Mother of the Year Award

The former White House advisor, campaign manager, and model mother will receive conservatism's highest award.

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Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Donald Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

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Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says No

During a late-night prayer session, both Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.

Area Wife Forces Husband To Live In New Boat

Frequent traveler, exotic animal collector and Cedar Ridge, CA resident Pete Johnson found himself in trouble over the weekend after he purchased a new fishing boat without telling his wife who unceremoniously kicked him out of the house. Mr. Johnson is currently living in his new boat which is docked 60 miles away in the Sacramento Delta.

Jump to Conclusions Game Wins Funding On Shark Tank

Tom Smykowski, a recently laid off engineering manager, found favor on ABC TV's Shark Tank for his game Jump to Conclusions.

Terrible Stock Photo Toons Volume 9

Welcome to Volume 9 of Terrible Toons. You've been warned.

Area Sports Collector Suspicious of Autographed Ball

Area sports memorabilia collector and owner of Ron's Sports Emporium Ron Jessup has some concerns about a recent baseball brought in by an area man.

NAMBLA Endorses Ted Cruz

The controversial organization North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), has given its endorsement to Ted Cruz. NAMBLA believes that it is OK and natural for men to "love" boys. They believe it to be the natural order of things and that it should be celebrated.

Trump Hopes His Men and Horses Can Fix a Bad Egg

While the wall on the Mexican border is anticipated by many to keep Americans safer, God Emperor Trump found out how perilous the wall can be for both people and Mexicans.

ISIS Regrets Porta Potty Purchase After Attack

A faction of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria or ISIS said that it will be asking for it's money back after their lease of 14 "Porta Potties" from Justin's Toilet Rentals of Grass Valley, CA were flung around following an allied helicopter fly-over.

Rand Paul Under Fire For Accepting $1200 Stimulus

The usually anti-government Senator from Kentucky says there's nothing wrong with taking federal stimulus money.

Online Kahn Academy to Offer Sex Education

The Kahn Academy, which is a non-profit educational organization which provides free, world-class education for anyone, anywhere," announced this week that it will be providing online family life training, otherwise known as sex education, to supplement and even replace school-based programs.

Bowing to Protests, California Gasoline Stations Installing Braille on Pumps

Select Northern California Flyers service stations are bowing to pressure from various social justice organizations and installing tactile Braille systems for the blind on gasoline pumps.

Senator Ted Cruz Starts Argument with Gravity

Speaking from Calgary, Senator Ted Cruz arbitrarily declared that gravity is oppressing our religious freedoms.

Republicans Take Aim at Health Care

Pew-Pew! Will it be hit or miss this time?

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Chemtrail Storage Facility Discovered at Nevada County Airport

An anonymous man has come forward with pictures of a top secret Chemtrail storage facility at the Nevada County Air Park in Grass Valley, CA.

Trump Pardons MAGAbomber

In a surprise move to some, but not others, President Trump  pardoned MAGAbomer Cesar Sayoc.

Trump Camp: Melania Will Deliver New, Never Heard Before ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech

The Donald J. Trump presidential campaign has announced that Mr. Trump's wife Melania will be delivering a second, previously unscheduled speech at the Republican National Convention.

Man with Chlamydia Discovers What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas

A Kent, WA man has learned the hard way not to trust marketing slogans. 38 year old married father of 2 Jimmy Fostersen recently attended his company's annual convention in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Greece to Implement the “Zimbabwe Plan” to Ease Liquidity Woes

The Athenian government announced at the close of business Monday night that they have enlisted a number of "Zimbabwe Financial Experts" to help inject desperately needed liquidity into the faltering economy.

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Opinion: Why You Don’t Read Anymore

If you did read this, I’m sorry. There’s no going back, now.
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Real News

Deep State Claims Jeffrey Epstein is QAnon

A leaked document sheds new light on who the mysterious QAnon or 'Q' might be.

Naked and Afraid Episode to be Filmed in Downtown Nevada City, CA

The popular Discovery Channel docudrama Naked and Afraid will be filming in Nevada City during the summer shooting season, Gish Gallop has learned. Filming is set for the July time-frame, with the "ahead" production team arriving in June to prepare the town for a bunch of naked people.

Stapler Fails Staples Checkout Clerk

A stapler failed to staple at the Grass Valley Staples on Friday when checker April Smith attempted to staple multiple receipts to a customer's order.

EPA Abandons Chemtrail Cleanup Program Following Trump Budget Cuts

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced today during a weekly press conference that it will suspend all activity around geoengineering investigations and related clean-up programs.

Democrats To Set Limits For Deceased Voters

The Democrats are going to set limits on their collection of deceased voters. Thousands of ballots are cast from social security numbers that are from a deceased individual every election.

Penn Valley to Adopt Confederate Battle Flag

A group of Penn Valley, CA activists have banded together and unofficially declared the Confederate Battle Flag to be its unofficial city flag. They've formed an action group called the Penn Valley Citizens Against Speech Oppression or PVCASO (pronounced "puv cay-so"), which aims to restore the values of traditional, Christian America to America.

Coronavirus Leaps to #1 in New 2020 Presidential Poll

A shocking new poll has registered voters selecting a deadly virus over any 2020 Presidential candidate.

The New FDA: Free Drugs For America in the Workplace

According to the Quest Diagnostics Drug Testing Index released May 17, 2017, overall positivity in urine drug testing among the combined U.S. Workforce in 2016 increased by five percent since 2015.

TSA Luggage Disaster Blamed on Mercury Retrograde

After thousands of bags have become lost or misplaced at airports across the country, officials at Phoenix's Sky Harbor Airport blamed the mishaps on an astrological phenomena called "Mercury Retrograde."

Republican Voter Afraid Voting For Hillary Clinton Will ‘Give The Country Cooties’

HOBART, ARKANSAS -- Clem O'Connel, 48-year-old dyed in the...

More Galloping

Donald Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Chemtrail Believer Bullied by “Math Thugs”

Mary McAlister seemed surprised that others took issue with her incendiary share of a billboard picture that warned people of the dangers of geoengineering.

5 Million Uncounted Sanders Ballots Found On Clinton’s Email Server

Presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton is in hot water again after nearly 5 million uncounted California electronic ballots were found on her email server by the F.B.I.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Facebook to Ban All Flat Earth Groups

In a rare tweet from Mark Zuckerberg, the social media giant Facebook has announced it will be eliminating all groups associated with, or related to spreading, flat earth propaganda from its social media platform.
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‘CNN Is Fake News!’ Screams Man Loading His Rifle While Entering Accused Pedophile Pizza Joint

Matt Ricci is 32-years old and considers himself conservative politically. He is a daily subscriber to "Lowder with Crowder," and says he reads at least ten or eleven articles on Breitbart News a day.

How to Cook a Fucking Rib Roast, by Loretta Splitair

3-4 Days before you cook the Roast, do this: 1....

FLA Man Demands Marco Rubio Take Drug Test Before Getting Any More Taxpayer Money

Lake Pistachio, FL -- When Delbert Clarendon heard that Marco...

California Proposes Special “Camps” For Anti-Vaxxers

In a last-minute press conference called to address the recent contagious disease outbreaks, California Governor Newsom proposed a solution to deal with the Anti-Vaccination or Anti-Vax movement.

Deceased Dentist Loved Family, the Philharmonic and Wife Swapping

A Nevada City dentist known for his deep love of family and wife swapping died this week. Harold Ardon, 92, died Monday at his Nevada City home.

Scotch Broom to be Planted Along California Highways

Climate change is causing California to reevaluate its position on Scotch broom. This oft maligned plant is now being touted as a valuable environmental asset.