January, 2022

Pope Francis Blesses Grade A Indica

In a surprise revision to the recent Papal encyclical, Pope Francis has decided to bless Indica strains of Marijuana.

Latest

Damnation Army Seeks Important Satanist Thrift Shopping Demographic

According to a prospectus provided by the Church, their Citrus Heights flagship store has grown by over 400%.

Subaru Announces 2023 Limited Edition Bernie Sanders Outback

Japanese automaker Subaru announced earlier this week that it plans on releasing a limited run of what is tentatively called the Bernie Sanders Outback LE or Limited Edition.

State of Jefferson Website Honored with Layout of the Year Award

The Jurisdiction of the Jefferson State Militia website was nominated last year for its innovative design and faced stiff competition.

Inflation Concerns Drive Motel 6 to Rename to Motel 7

The 56-year-old budget hospitality and lodging chain Motel 6 announced this week that it is going to rename itself given extraordinary inflation and economic pressures.

Mormon Graffiti Saved Man in Idaho Truck Stop

The Mormon church has been around since the mid-1800's by Joseph Smith under questionable pretenses. It has since grown to 14 million members around the world. The Mormons use all manner of recruiting tools to save souls.

Area Man Grows Giant Hairy Cock

Walter Truman is primarily an egg farmer in Camptonville, but in an attempt to make a better layer he also breeds chickens.

Area Woman Uses Kombucha To Treat Schizophrenia

Fresh off her self-proclaimed successes in treating autism with coconut oil, Merrilee Longshoes of North San Juan, CA has announced a new treatment option for Schizophrenia: Kombucha. Kombucha is any of a variety of preparations of fermented, lightly effervescent sweetened black or green tea drinks that are commonly used as functional beverages for their unsubstantiated health benefits.

Area Hipster Worried Beard Not Long Enough for Sharia Law

Area author Roy Riffle is worried that he will not be able to grow a beard long enough to satisfy the requirements of the inevitable arrival of Sharia Law.

Area Voyeur Disappointed After Recent Facebook Watch Party

Jack Burke of Weston, VA says he plans to try Facebook Watch Parties again after his 30 day ban is done.

UN Study: Your Dog Eats Better than 2 Billion People

Rundex Family Foundation has published a report which finds the majority of American pets eat better and have better healthcare than over 2 billion of Earth's inhabitants.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Area Racist Never Responds to Trump Approval Poll Requests

Area trinket collector, “oriental” food connoisseur and occasional racist Terry Adkinson says he's been contacted over the past few months by various polling operations such as Gallup and Rasmussen and refuses to answer their questions honestly.

Must Read

Mexico Agrees to Pay for Impeachment

Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador said his country would do whatever it takes to help with the impeachment process.

The Sneetches Donald Trump’s Favorite Toilet Book

The press got a rare glimpse into the defecation practices of President Trump the past weekend when the alt-right website Breitbart.com published an expose' of his favorite "crapper" books.

Black & Decker Orders Recall of Its Hands-Free Chainsaws

They were falling into the wrong hands.

Massive Brawl Breaks Out at Local Starbucks

Tensions ran high on Wednesday morning when a fight broke out between patrons waiting in the Grass Valley Starbucks drive thru. Many who had been waiting for the coffee giant's new offering, a colonic service.

Flat Earthers Call On Trump to Change His Anti-‘Globalist’ Language

A Group of Flat Earth believers is calling on President Trump to stop using the word "globalist."

State of Jefferson Supporter Traveling to Mars with Cow Anuses

A State of Jefferson supporter commented on Facebook earlier this week that s/he plans on traveling to Mars in a bathtub built with rocket engines made of cow anuses.

Area BMW Driver: “So What If I Drive Like an Asshole? F*ck You.”

Area BMW driver and asshole Don Victors doesn't care what people think of his driving. Mr. Victors, a former Director of Marketing at Adobe Systems and now a "budget web hosting" entrepreneur drives like he's the only person on Earth.

Gary Johnson Can’t Name The Libertarian Party Candidate

During an interview with a Florida newspaper, former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson reportedly couldn't name the Libertarian Party candidate.

Rush Limbaugh Dead at 86

Marrying shock-jock bravado with incendiary right-wing rhetoric, Limbaugh became AM radio's most popular talk-show host and took an entire political party with him.

Karl Pilkington Unaware He’s the Leading Prime Minister Candidate

The personality best known for his "performances" on the UK-based show An Idiot Abroad, is now the leading candidate for UK Prime Minister.

Trump’s Health Deteriorates as White House Pressures Mount

A tired and aging President Donald Trump looks up during his meeting with Egyptian President Abdel Fattah Al Sisi.

Borg Accidentally Assimilate Charlie Sheen

Cheers rang out across the Federation yesterday as officials announced that the Borg had accidentally assimilated American actor Charlie Sheen into the collective.

Nearsighted Sheriff Mows Down Tomato Field with MRAP

To retaliate against election emboldened cannabis growers, Sheriff Keith Royal unleashed “Big Bertha”, the Nevada County Sheriff’s Department contracted helicopter, and sent her to the skies.

Lifestyle

Obama: Running Out of Time To Confiscate All Guns

President Barack H. Obama is growing increasingly concerned that there simply isn't enough time left in his presidency to confiscate all the guns in America.

UK Birds Fuming Over Austerity

Birds across the United Kingdom have taken-up smoking to reduce hunger pains caused by the government's recent austerity measures.

Area Man Poses As Illegal Immigrant To Get Free Stuff

Area trinket collector, “oriental” food connoisseur and occasional racist Terry Adkinson decided to make a point about illegal immigration last week by pretending to be an undocumented Mexican worker. Mr. Adkinson, who runs a local blog called The Conservarian: Reflections on American Exceptionalism, attempted to apply for assistance at the area Social Services office in Nevada City.

Wikileaks: The Clinton Plan for Reptilian Control

The international non-profit journalistic organization Wikileaks released a series of Hillary Clinton campaign emails yesterday that suggest the United States government is working with a alien reptilian force to both control and enslave humanity.

TSA To Hire Former Guantanamo Bay Detainees

Starting August 1, the TSA will hire former Guantanamo Bay detainees that were suspected of having ties to terrorism.

4 Killed, Several Wounded at Duran Duran Concert

In what's being described as a "tragic scene" during a stirring rendition of the "Reflex," several thousand small girls rushed the stage during a live Duran Duran performance at the Pshaw Millennium Park.

Chemtrail Learning Center Expands Into Amusement Park

The Washington State-based Evergreen Chemtrail Learning Center (ECLC) announced today that they plan on expanding its 4 year old learning center to include amusement rides and other attractions.

Business

Biden Solidifies Progressive Base With Steve Hackett VP Nod

Joe Biden has chosen former Genesis guitar player Steve Hackett in an attempt to attract more Progressive voters.

Kim Davis One Year Later ~ Defender of the Faith

Nothing on God’s green earth could break Kim Davis, the Rowan County Clerk who bravely refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex deviants.

Follow-Up: Area Weatherman Selling Meats on the Ridge

There appears to be a door-to-door meat selling bonanza happening in Nevada County. Area patent troll and weather genius Giovanni Paolo recently admitted to Gish Gallop that he sells a series of quality Omaha steaks to the residents of North San Juan and Camptonville. Along with his high quality meats, he sells a variety of "exotic" local animal proteins as well.

Mike Pence Embraces Chemtrails

Vice President Mike Pence made a comment on Fox News today that he supports investigating claims that the government is manipulating the environment with Chemtrails.

Fiorina: I Will Run America Like I Ran HP

Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina deviated from her standard stump speech on Sunday afternoon when she announced to over 450 supporters that she plans on running the United States exactly how she ran Hewlett-Packard when she was the CEO.

President Trump Mispronounces Niger

The President made an accidental slip of the tongue today and mispronounced the African country Niger.

Airplane Forced to Make Emergency Landing After Foul Crap

A United Airlines flight bound for Chicago had to make an emergency landing in Denver, CO late Monday afternoon after the cabin filled up with what was described by one passenger as "the most horrendous crap vapor I've ever smelled."

North Korea Leader Condemns Kathy Griffin/Trump Tweets

In a rare public statement, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un condemned the recent depiction of a decapitated model of President Trump. This is only the 4th public statement by the supreme leader since he took control in 2011.

Archduke Francis Ferdinand Tells World To Not Worry About Russian Ambassador’s Assassination

Speaking to reporters outside a Bosnian bar, the disembodied spirit of the late Archduke Franz Ferdinand attempted to allay and assuage the fears of the citizens of Earth, in the wake of the assassination of Russia's ambassador to Turkey earlier this week.

Students Vote to Replace Pomp and Circumstance with Amy Winehouse’s Rehab

Attendees at Grass Valley's Nevada Union High School graduation were both surprised and concerned over the weekend when the traditional processional march song "Pomp and Circumstance" was replaced with Amy Winehouse's song "Rehab."

More Galloping

Brief: Prostitution Ring Discovered In Hot Locked Car

According to authorities, the prostitution ring was being operated out of a Chrysler Minivan.

Misc. Crap for Sale in Cedar Ridge

Really just a bunch of crap to put with your existing crap

Gish Gallop Review: Finnegans Wake is an Impenetrable Piece of Crap

What's the difference between a pile of dog crap and Finnegan's Wake? You can avoid the dog crap by walking around it. I have to read and review Finnegan's Wake.

Rival Deer Found in Grass Valley Front Yard

Grass Valley, CA -- This morning a local reader...

North Korean Leader Upset American Sniper Not About Him

Pyongyang, North Korea -- In a bizarre press release...

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.