July, 2022

Mormons/Scientologists to Join Forces

After realizing that both American-born religions share numerous similarities in both their mythologies and "spiritual technologies," leaders in both church organizations have decided to merge in order to increase their "synergistic reach into new demographics."

Latest

Conspiracy Researcher: Missoula, Montana Doesn’t Exist

North San Juan resident, part-time chemtrail researcher, and amateur ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced to a somewhat disinterested crowd out in front of the Sierra Super Stop that Missoula, Montana is an elaborate hoax and does not exist.

Waste Management To Offer Dead Body Pickup Service In Response To Proposed Health Care Changes

The Houston-based Waste Management corporation announced a plan to offer curbside dead body pickup service to offset what critics say would be a direct consequence "Trumpcare" which will overwhelm present mortuary services.

Deep State Claims Jeffrey Epstein is QAnon

A leaked document sheds new light on who the mysterious QAnon or 'Q' might be.

Border Collies Deployed to Keep Chihuahuas Out

According to DHS, since Operation El Perro Loco secretly launched in March, after Congress refused to fund President Trump's border wall.

Literate Area Author Inserts Facebook Typos Just to “Fit In”

A burgeoning Nevada City author admitted today to a small group of his friends that he often inserts typos and other usage errors into online Facebook comments just to "fit in." Area writer and part-time poet Roy Riffle made the admission to his small author's group while they were enjoying street tacos at Nevada City's popular Mi Pueblo Taqueria on Union Street.

Saint Bernard Condemns ‘Morning After’ Dog Biscuit

Employing some of his most conservative rhetoric to date, Saint Bailey Bernard of Holy Southern Shepherd Church released a statement regarding the controversial morning after dog biscuit.

Republicans to Roll Out Replacement to Replacement Health Plan

Donald Trump today announced the bigliest, bestest, most tremendous healthcare plan ever would be called Conservative American Care Act or CACA to replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA). The Republicans in Congress are busily preparing CACA PowerPoint presentations, but the smooth release has been impacted because of committee retention.

Area Birther Still Hopeful Trump At Least a Racist

When 48-year-old Josh Williams turned on the TV in the break room at his job last Friday and saw Donald Trump on it, he was excited.

Supervisors Approve “Adult” Halloween Treating

The board voted 5 to 2 in favor of allowing adult county residents to hand out revelry packages to other adults on All Hallows Eve, who thought county residents might enjoy a little light-hearted fun, make some new friends, and start their weekend off with a bang.

Mike Huckabee Counsels Daughter to “Eat More” to Combat Stress

The Senior Huckabee told Sarah Huckabee Sanders to "eat more to combat the pressures and stresses of being in the limelight."

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Area Laser Hair Removal Accidentally Severs Man’s Scrotum

Penn Valley, CA resident Dustin Jayce Dickens was rushed to the emergency room Friday afternoon after a technician at The New You Laser Treatments salon in Auburn, CA used the wrong setting on the hair removal device.

Must Read

“I Have Several Black Friends” Says Woman Who Doesn’t See Color

A Lynchburg woman likes to think of herself as "above it all."

Survivalist Accidentally Gets Trapped In His Doomsday Bunker

The trouble started this past weekend when Mr. Buxton returned from a Costco run with 4 cases of tomato sauce and 1400 rolls of toilet paper.

Witness Refuses Mass Shooter Recognition He Feels He Deserves

Senior citizen and 30 year neighborhood watch member, Gabbie Herschberger, who also happens to be sole survivor and witness to a mass shooting that recently occurred, has refused to identify the suspected shooter as he stood before her during a police lineup

Local Arcade Park Aims to Instill Valuable Gambling Skills in Youngsters

A local Family Play park is working hard to insure that children have the proper skills to compete in the ever-expanding and competitive gambling marketplace.

Claim: Bernie Sanders Born in Havana, Cuba

The Sanders family lived in the Cuban city of Santa Clara and the young Sanders grew to admire Che Guevara and Fidel Castro for the caring way in which they treated the people of Cuba.

Army Corps Of Engineers To Install All-Seeing Eye On Top Of Trump Tower

President-Elect Donald Trump has enlisted the Army Corps of Engineers to install a new, "all seeing, all powerful eye" on top of Trump Tower.

Senator Ted Cruz Starts Argument with Gravity

Speaking from Calgary, Senator Ted Cruz arbitrarily declared that gravity is oppressing our religious freedoms.

Trump & Christie: We Will Make America White Again

At a rally where New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced his support for President hopeful Donald Trump, "The Donald" promised to make America "white again" at a rally in Fort Worth, Texas this week.

Man with Tourette Syndrome Speaks Inappropriately

Street fair patrons were a bit uncomfortable when an out of town male stricken with Tourette Syndrome began speaking inappropriately at recent night street fair.

Lottery Winner Loses It All At Whole Foods

A Lafayette, CA man and his wife lost their entire Powerball winnings in one Whole Foods Market trip.

Area Witches Protest Etsy’s Ban on “Supernatural Goods”

After the popular peer-to-peer (P2P) e-commerce featuring handmade and vintage items and supplies Etsy.com banned the sale of “any metaphysical service that promises or suggests it will effect a physical change or other outcome (revenge),” area witches took to social media to protest.

Researcher Claims Area 51 Doesn’t Exist

A Northern California "alternative" researcher claims that Area 51 doesn't exist and it's all apart of a government hoax.

Republicans Advance Bill Allowing USPS to Open Mail Then Gather and Sell Private Information

Just hours after voting to allow Internet service providers to sell customers’ private information to other companies, House Republicans advanced another bill out of committee that would allow American citizens’ private information to be obtained without their knowledge and sold without their permission, this time by the United States Postal Service.

Lifestyle

Persistent Volunteer Kills Town’s Can-Do Spirit

A local woman's chronic volunteerism is being blamed by townsfolk for robbing them of their initiative and dulling their once notable can-do spirit.

Donald Trump to Mike Pence: You’re Fired

In breaking news that has shocked the Republican party, and further alienating Donald Trump from the mainstream GOP, the firebrand and controversial candidate fired his Vice Presidential running mate Mike Pence after the conservative Indiana governor condemned Trump's recent misogynist video.

Hooters to Celebrate Breast Cancer Survivors

In a nod to appear both sensitive and politically correct, Hooters has announced the opening of the first bar and restaurant to hire only breast cancer survivors who have had one breast removed.

IBM To Continue Its Long Relationship with Authoritarian Regimes

As the number of companies who have added their names to an amicus brief opposing the travel ban from seven prominently Muslim counties grows, there is still one glaring omission: IBM. This week the number of companies who have joined the opposition to President Trump's discriminatory Muslim travel ban reached 31 as HP, Adobe, Trip Advisor and Pandora added their names.

Trump Creates New Line Of Flex Cuffs For Police

Trump's cuffs detects prisoner's nationality and turns colors to help authorities identify where an illegal immigrant is from.

President Trump Blocks James Comey On Twitter

President Trump has blocked former FBI Director James Comey from his Twitter account. Comey was heading up an investigation of President Trump's ties to Russia during the 2016 election. Trump fired Comey before he was able to finish the investigation.

Hot Springs Vacationer Unaware of Volcano Directly Under Her Ass

Judie Parish of Fresno, CA has no idea what's going on directly below her.

Business

Waste Management To Offer Dead Body Pickup Service In Response To Proposed Health Care Changes

The Houston-based Waste Management corporation announced a plan to offer curbside dead body pickup service to offset what critics say would be a direct consequence "Trumpcare" which will overwhelm present mortuary services.

Gish Gallop Admits Error/Promises a ‘Non-Fake’ Future

he Nevada County Gish Gallop was recently called a “Fake News Site” on Wikipedia, a description recently attached to Gish Gallop by Snopes, the leading debunking source for people trying to determine if information is true.

Area Transplant Thinks Whole Town Smells Like Dope

"I mean it's too easy to make fun of the city name. 'Grass Valley' and all. But we had no idea how prevalent the dope business was up here. I suppose it's kinda funny. And annoying."

Trump Chooses Cthulhu For Secretary of State

President-elect Donald Trump has announced that Cthulhu, the gigantic, wholly evil entity worshiped by cultists who conducts human sacrifices, will be his pick for Secretary of State.

Tennessee Shutters Taco Bells For “Being Too Mexican”

A Tennessee Republican is asking that all Taco Bells be shut down for being too Mexican. Clem O'Connor of Hazard, TN says he's "not racist at all" but that he "just know[s] that you can't have a huge welfare state and let any Tom, Dick or Jose in the country."

Government Time Machine To Transport Extremists to Middle Ages

White House officials have told Gish Gallop that it has been developing a "Time Machine" to transport various extremists back to the Middle Ages.

Cher To Wed Robert Plant At Westminster Abbey

Cher's longtime publicist announced this morning that Pop Icon Cher and Rock Icon Robert Plant have reserved the Westminster Abbey for their wedding on January 17th.

Militant Leftists Target Fonz Statue in Downtown Milwaukee

‘The Bronze Fonz’ statue has existed peacefully on Milwaukee’s downtown Riverwalk since first being unveiled on August 18th, 2008. The sculpture depicts Henry Winkler, the actor who portrayed Arthur Fonzarelli on the hit television series, Happy Days.

Obama Can Now Shoot his “Gay Agenda” with Rainbows, Conservatives Claim

According to American Conservatives, a recent photo distributed by the White House proves that President Obama has terrifying magical powers to make, in their words, "the Gay Agenda more real than it ever has been."

Stephen King Spotted at Local Grocery Outlet

American author of contemporary horror, supernatural fiction, suspense, science fiction, and fantasy Stephen King was spotted this weekend shopping at the popular discount supermarket Grocery Outlet.

More Galloping

Brief: Prostitution Ring Discovered In Hot Locked Car

According to authorities, the prostitution ring was being operated out of a Chrysler Minivan.

Misc. Crap for Sale in Cedar Ridge

Really just a bunch of crap to put with your existing crap

Gish Gallop Review: Finnegans Wake is an Impenetrable Piece of Crap

What's the difference between a pile of dog crap and Finnegan's Wake? You can avoid the dog crap by walking around it. I have to read and review Finnegan's Wake.

Rival Deer Found in Grass Valley Front Yard

Grass Valley, CA -- This morning a local reader...

North Korean Leader Upset American Sniper Not About Him

Pyongyang, North Korea -- In a bizarre press release...

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.