June, 2022

Local Schizophrenic Lawyer Sues Self for Fall

Nevada County is about to make legal history as Fernwood Z. Frischland, Esq., filed a civil suit against himself for a nasty fall he suffered in front of his home at 24444 Old Tunnel Road.

Latest

Protesters Tear Down Georgia Guidestones

The controversial apocalyptic Georgia monument proclaiming end-of-the-world scenarios was toppled this past week by a group of leftwing activists.

Woman Legally Incorporates Uterus to Avoid Government Regulation

Taking a page from the Republican Party's handbook, Mary Penland of Fresno, CA has incorporated her Uterus in an attempt to gain the many regulatory exemptions many corporations enjoy.

Bernie Sanders: I Will Make America Metric

Bernie Sanders announced to a crowd of over 14,000 people at a campaign stop at NYU in New York City that when he is elected President, his first executive action will include a plan to convert America's ancient imperial measures and units to the metric system.

Obama Offers to Trade SCOTUS Pick for Second Amendment

President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) has reportedly sent word to Senate Majority Mitch McConnell (R-KY) that he is willing to negotiate a deal in which the president would willingly sacrifice his Supreme Court nomination in exchange for the Second Amendment.

Downtown Cell Towers to Power New Popeyes Fried Chicken

After the committee announced that it would allow Verizon contractor Epic Wireless to install as many eight mini cell towers on top of the Friar Tuck's building, new Popeyes owner Nathan Armstrong said the increased Electromagnetic Field (EMF) radiation would help cut his energy costs.

Trump Censors Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown Iran Episode

In an attempt to control the messaging around Iran, the Trump administration announced it would limited access to an Anthony Bourdain show on Iran.

Facebook Is Actually Purgatory

Often times Facebook becomes the place to say goodbye to the dead. Everyday you see people paying respects online. But in doing so, are we damning the dead to an eternity in Facebook Purgatory?

Facebook Testing Sarcasm Font

Facebook announced today that it will be introducing a sarcasm font that can be used for passive-aggressive purposed on the popular social media platform. The font, which will be available from a drop-down menu, will feature the the default Facebook typeface but in reverse-left italics to indicate sarcasm.

Sinead O’Connor: Transgender is an Illness

Irish music artist Sinead O'Connor, known for her hit 1990 arrangement of the Prince song "Nothing Compares 2 U," has come out against transgender people.

Area Home Gardener Harvests $7.56 Tomato

Area home gardener Herman M. Dean has been working all summer in his garden and announced to friends and family that he harvested his first tomato. A tomato estimated to cost $7.56 to produce.

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Local Newspaper: Don’t Shoot the Racist Messenger

The Union of Grass Valley has taken a page out of its 150 year legacy with a recent advertisement. Unfortunately for the local paper, that page appears to be from sometime in 1952.

Must Read

Area Man Accidentally Terrorizes Save Mart with Axe

According to sources leaving the store, Mr. Morgan didn't go on a murderous rampage through the grocery store, but rather was walking around the aisles with a young boy holding what appeared to be a 6 to 8 lb. maul axe.

Community Says A Tearful Goodbye To Beloved Pothole

Our nation's infrastructure has been falling apart for decades, especially our roads. As money is finally infused in to road budgets, potholes are finally patched.

Alta Sierra Man Who Says “Wine Good for the Heart” on His 5th Cocktail

Local retiree Sal Smith announced to his visiting family over the holidays that "a glass of red wine is good for your heart," as he consumed his 4th cocktail of the evening.

North San Juan Resident Can’t Handle the Hectic Pace of Grass Valley

North San Juan resident Shep “The Ship” Walkins says he can't handle the hectic Grass Valley rat race. Walkins has been living up on "The Ridge" for over 32 years and considers himself a local boy.

27 People Missing & Presumed Dead in Flat Earth Expedition

27 flat earth researchers and 3 crew members have been out of radio contact since late last week and are presumed to be dead.

Flat Earther Launches Rocket, Splatters on Basement Ceiling

In what appears to be a copycat attempt gone awry, 37-year-old Barstow, CA native Jeff Hughston's life almost came to an end this weekend when he attempted to launch his homemade, kerosene-powered rocket from his Mother's basement.

Area Man Scolds “Muslim” Outdoor Umbrellas

Lawrence Bergerson of Penn Valley took it upon himself to explain the evils of Islam to what he believed were burqa-clad women in a downtown Grass Valley restaurant. The lecture was believed to have lasted as long as 5 minutes before the management asked him to leave the property.

Hotel Chain to Create Patriotic Gitmo Vacation Resorts

In what is being hailed as an example of 21st Century corporate and government cooperation, Marriott International has announced late Thursday that it will develop "Defense-friendly" resorts next to United States Detention facilities in and around the developing world.

Stoners “Munchery” To Open in Grass Valley

The nation's first restaurant dedicated to the burgeoning "impulse munchie" market is opening in the Sierra Nevada Foothills town of Grass Valley, CA. The new chain called Stoners which is new subsidiary of Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc., is  and hopes to serve what the company believes is a radically under-served and growing market currently dominated by the fast food chain Taco Bell.

Woman Asks Social Media What to do About Her Swollen Foot

Area Rhode Island St. resident Melba Felder posted a picture of her swollen foot on the popular Nevada County Peeps Facebook group asking for opinions on what she should do about it.

Nestle America to Grow California Almonds

Nestle America has announced plans to grow Almonds in the drought-stricken California Central Valley. The plan, which calls for snatching up land from farmers who have allowed their fields to go fallow, includes the purchase of over 6000 acres of usable acres. The multinational food corporation plans on using its delivery contracts not only to fill its plastic water bottles, but also to feed the water-hungry almond trees.

California Proposes Taxing Social Media

A new controversial California law will tax social media interactions. It's expected to meet fierce resistance.

Area Weatherman Caught Popping Bubble Wrap at Local Office Supply Store

Area weather forecasting savant Giovanni Paolo was asked to leave the Grass Valley Staples Office Supply store Wednesday afternoon after a store clerk caught him in a back aisle furiously popping all the bubble wrap.

Lifestyle

Richard Simmons To Aid North Korean Leaders Weight Loss

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un's weight has been the subject of ridicule since taking power after his Father's death. Recently he became angered after John McCain called him, "the lil fat kid".

Wolf Blitzer Advises Against Seeing Your Barber

CNN's Chief Anchor thinks getting your hair done is an unnecessary risk.

Thomas Pynchon spotted at California’s Lake of the Pines

Lake of the Pines, CA -- Recluse author Thomas...

Pharmaceutical Giant Merck’s Chemtrail Enemas Fail to Deliver

Pharmaceutical Giant Merck announced today that its clinical trials to see whether Chemtrails are an effective enema treatment have failed.

Bigfoot to Support Bernie Sanders

After spending years as a Peace and Freedom Party voter, Bigfoot, the cryptid ape- or hominid-like creature that some people believe inhabits forests mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America, has announced his support for Democrat presidential candidate Bernie Sanders.

Local Man Unclear Why Phone is Beeping

Area man and fresh Vacaville, CA transplant Tommy Empire can't for the life of him figure out why his new Samsung Galaxy mobile phone is constantly beeping. He's read the manual and talked to customer support for over 3 hours and still can't stop it from beeping.

David Bowie’s Ashes to be Carried By North Korean Rocket

A spokesman for Mainman productions, David Bowie's production company, has said that rock star's ashes will be carried by a Rodong-1 rocket into space later this month.

Business

School Field Trip Leads to Disability Lawsuit

A student from the prestigious Highland Park High School is suing his school district for discrimination.

Native American Casino to Open in Downtown Nevada City

Despite a busy governing season which has included new ordinances on chemtrails, police politeness and most recently, strict new rules on business sign fonts, the City Council of Nevada City has given its blessing to the Nevada City Nisenan Rancheria to open a Native American gaming casino in the old Alpha Building on Broad Street.

Fight at Del Oro Theatre Was A Debate Over Chewbacca’s Gender

The altercation took place about 45 minutes into The Force Awakens when two local and long-time friends started arguing about the gender of furry supporting character Chewbacca. Lee Corneys of Grass Valley and Jerry Dodge were both taken into custody following the brawl and later released on bail.

Mike Pence Embraces Chemtrails

Vice President Mike Pence made a comment on Fox News today that he supports investigating claims that the government is manipulating the environment with Chemtrails.

Area Man Confused About What Kind of Racist He Is

Third generation local Norwegian resident Ernest Dahlman is not quite sure what kind of "white racist" he's supposed to me. Mr. Dahlman, 42, once recently called a "white racist" on a local Facebook comment thread and immediately became confused on just what kind of white person he was.

Santa Tests Positive For COVID-19

Old Saint Nick is sick with COVID but is still full of cheer.

Mt. Everest Daredevil Climber Escapes Death With Descent in Wingsuit

Dr. Margaery Turell said this was the fastest way down the world's tallest mountain.

Nation’s Barely Literate Angered by Dismissal of Views

According to a recent Pew Poll, America's mediocre thinkers are increasingly frustrated by what they see as a widespread dismissal of their opinions by their fellow citizens with above-average intelligence. Exacerbating their irritation is a seeming inability to communicate coherently.

Taliban Removes Daycare Facilities from Its Missile Sites

The Associated Press is reporting that the Taliban has removed all of its Muslim-centric daycare centers from their missile batteries stationed around Afghanistan.

Man Claiming “no one is talking about this” is Openly Talking About It

A Redding, CA man does his research and suggests you should do some research too.

More Galloping

Brief: Prostitution Ring Discovered In Hot Locked Car

According to authorities, the prostitution ring was being operated out of a Chrysler Minivan.

Misc. Crap for Sale in Cedar Ridge

Really just a bunch of crap to put with your existing crap

Gish Gallop Review: Finnegans Wake is an Impenetrable Piece of Crap

What's the difference between a pile of dog crap and Finnegan's Wake? You can avoid the dog crap by walking around it. I have to read and review Finnegan's Wake.

Rival Deer Found in Grass Valley Front Yard

Grass Valley, CA -- This morning a local reader...

North Korean Leader Upset American Sniper Not About Him

Pyongyang, North Korea -- In a bizarre press release...

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.