May, 2022

Gordon Ramsay’s New “Fuck Off Kitchen” a Las Vegas Hit

People lined up for Chef Gordon Ramsay's latest foul-mouthed restaurant.

Latest

1st Annual Karen Convention Receives Record Number of Complaints

Organizers say they're making some adjustments for next year's event.

Pope Francis Proposes Friday Sabbath

Pope Francis has delivered a sweeping encyclical officially amending doctrine to move the Christian Sabbath from Sunday to Friday.

Area Pastor Defies Death, Converts to Atheism

A local pastor had a bit of a scare recently when he dropped dead of a heart attack. First responders were unable to revive him at the scene, and a defibrillator had zero impact as he was completely dead.

Area “Flattard” Thinks “Flattard” Might be a Derogatory Slur

Area Flat Earth believer Ben M. Walkowiaksky believes that his new Facebook nickname "Flattard" might be a derogatory slur. Mr. Walkowiaksky was christen "Flattard Supreme" by the administrators of the popular Flat Earth Facebook Group "Flat Earth Education" over the weekend.

Trump Mulling Canadian Wall to Keep Americans In

Donald Trump announced today that he plans on building a wall along the Canadian border to keep Americans from leaving.

Trump To Add His Bone Spurs To Vietnam War Memorial

High above the Pacific Ocean, on his way back to Washington, D.C., President Donald J. Trump pulled aside White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham and had her take down some dictation.

Socialist “#MyFreeRock” Music Festival Sued For Piracy

The socialist #MyFreeRock festival is being sued by a collective of music artists, including this year's headlining act Pearl Jam for music piracy. The festival encouraged attendees to record artist live music sets without permission from the artists.

Area Man Attempts to Navigate Wife’s Purse

Recent Vacaville, CA transplant Tommy Empire attempted to search for his car keys in his wife's purse on Saturday with no success.

Crucifixion is a Doddle, Old Man Tells Police

An elderly San Francisco man is not taking capital punishment seriously.

Montana Man Becomes First to Win Staring Contest with Taxidermied Deer

A Montana man became the nation's first person to successfully stare down a taxidermied deer. Roger McKean of Columbia Falls, Montana was visiting a local notary to have an unnecessary permit notarized to keep Obama from taking his guns from in Dodge RAM 2500.

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Obama Adds Own Face to Mount Rushmore

Construction began this week on a project that will add the likeness of President Obama to the Mount Rushmore National Memorial. It is the first major construction on the iconic monument since 1941.

Must Read

Florida Rape Victim Performs ‘Self-Abortion’ with AR-15

In Florida, while rape victims have to wait a full day to get an abortion, anyone can buy an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle with absolutely no waiting period whatsoever.

Oregon to Force Customers to Pump Gas

In the first change to laws that were put in place in 1951, the Oregon State Legislature has voted to abandon the requirement that only gasoline station attendants can pump gas, and require that its customers do it. The controversial bill passed both government houses and the governor has promised to sign it.

Introverts Still Celebrating Social Distancing

Introverts everywhere are pleased by new social distancing efforts.

Mass Hysteria Following of Ted Cruz Rally [VIDEO]

Following a Ted Cruz campaign event, as many as 20 young adults broke in a mass hysteria dance in front of the Mobile, Alabama downtown Catalyst Memorial Community Center. Although Senator Cruz did not speak at the event, several of his celebrity supporters did including Colorado firebrand Christian Fundamentalist pastor Kevin Swanson who finished the rally with a call to "put all gays into sackcloth and cover them with ashes and cow dung."

Area Dickhead Says Guys Who Yell ‘Fake News’ on Facebook are Probably Fags

Local malcontent and self-proclaimed dickhead Don Vaca really hates people who state the obvious. Recently, while attempting to order a Starbucks drink at a local, privately-owned coffee shop, Mr. Vaca announced loudly to the crowded cafe that anyone who points out 'fake news' is probably a 'fag.'

Cell Phone Tower Doubles in Size Following Record Rains

The controversial cell phone tower with was erected in Grass Valley's Brunswick Basin has grown by over 70 feet following a record-setting year for rainfall.

Sean Spicer Enjoying His New Life Following Rock Band Phish

In a shocking turn of events, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced he was following the rock band Phish.

Hot Springs Vacationer Unaware of Volcano Directly Under Her Ass

Judie Parish of Fresno, CA has no idea what's going on directly below her.

Area Man Still Sucks at Sitar

On weekends he took to Golden Gate Park, to jam with other lost souls. He soaked up as much as he could from local musicians, even taking lessons from a man he remembers only as "Batty."

Obama Backs Mike Bloomberg for President

In a surprise announcement, former President Obama announced his support for Mike Bloomberg.

Medicaid Recipient Looking Forward to Getting Back in the Workforce After Coma

Bed-bound 34 year old Bill Bucks of Topeka, Kansas says he's looking forward to getting back into the workforce when the Federal Government requires people on Medicare too seek employment.

Penn Valley Woman Notices Grammatical Errors

Penn Valley, CA -- Mary Shilling of Penn Valley has...

ISIS Fighters to Perform in Branson, Missouri

The Syrian band ISIS Fighters will perform at the Silver Dollar City amusement park this coming weekend.

Lifestyle

Terminally Ill Man Makes Desperate Plea for Nudes

A Wisconsin native has issued a desperate plea for nudes after being diagnosed with Nanocephalic Aesthetic Receptor Daguerreotype Syndrome (NARDS), an extremely rare disease that affects the brain.

Bigfoot to Support Bernie Sanders

After spending years as a Peace and Freedom Party voter, Bigfoot, the cryptid ape- or hominid-like creature that some people believe inhabits forests mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America, has announced his support for Democrat presidential candidate Bernie Sanders.

Dick Cheney Offers Mike Pence Puppeteering Lessons

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney (R) sent a communique from is Wyoming bunker to incoming Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence (R), offering some "advice, counsel, and training of a unique nature" this week, according to top aides for both men.

Priest Blames Fluoride In Water For Pedophilia

Monsignor William Lynn, who has been in and out of prison for hiding evidence linked to priest pedophilia, says Father O'Brien's condition might be due to fluoride in tap water.

Mayhem Breaks Out After Trump Praises Controversial Billboard

An early morning retweet by President Trump has caused property damage across multiple states causing many people to seek shelter from falling gunfire.

Teenager Mistakes Pediatric Inhaler for Bong

An area teenager discovered late Thursday night that the bong she was using was not a marijuana water pipe, but rather a pediatric asthma inhaler.

God Claims Texas Freeze Punishment for Toll Roads

Conservative pundits immediately took to the airwaves to parse the Almighty's tweet.

Business

Conspiracy Researcher: St. George, Utah Doesn’t Exist

North San Juan resident, part-time chemtrail researcher and amateur ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced to a somewhat disinterested crowd out in front of the Sierra Super Stop that St. George, Utah is an elaborate hoax and does not exist. Mr. Wolford, who was recently in the news following his landmark Wi-Fi disability settlement, has been studying what he calls "the Macon anomaly" for the past 3 years.

Man Shoves Pencil In Eyeball

Mark Nostrom of Columbus, Ohio developed a twitch in his eye, a severe headache followed. His head ached with every word spoken by the native Fargo people.

Numerologists See Sinister 5-Letter Connection Between Fauci and COVID

Alternative thinkers everywhere say they see sinister connections between Dr. Anthony Fauci and the coronavirus.

Obama Backs Mike Bloomberg for President

In a surprise announcement, former President Obama announced his support for Mike Bloomberg.

Gated Communities Discovered to be Massive Secret Government Social Experiment

An exhaustive study revealed that gated communities are really vast government experiments.

Nevada City Considers Allowing Select Neighborhoods to go Fallow

In an effort to attract the valuable Bay Area tourist dollars, the City Council of Nevada City is considering allowing select neighborhoods to go fallow.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel Outlaws Gun Violence

In a bold move Mayor Rahm Emanuel has decided to make gun violence illegal in Chicago. Anyone found guilty of shooting will receive harsher sentences, including a "serious timeout" according to Emanuel.

Wednesday Afternoon The New “Monday” for Unemployed Man

Sandusky's Dale Neer can't explain why his "Mondays" have moved to Wednesday.

Fiorina: I Will Run America Like I Ran HP

Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina deviated from her standard stump speech on Sunday afternoon when she announced to over 450 supporters that she plans on running the United States exactly how she ran Hewlett-Packard when she was the CEO.

Poll: Trump’s Education Agenda Results Are In

The Hart Research Associates conducted a poll for the American Federation of Teachers, a 1.5 million member union. The poll indicated that nearly half the people who said they voted for Trump oppose his agenda for education. Many voters are saying they will not likely re-elect their congressional representatives.

More Galloping

Brief: Prostitution Ring Discovered In Hot Locked Car

According to authorities, the prostitution ring was being operated out of a Chrysler Minivan.

Misc. Crap for Sale in Cedar Ridge

Really just a bunch of crap to put with your existing crap

Gish Gallop Review: Finnegans Wake is an Impenetrable Piece of Crap

What's the difference between a pile of dog crap and Finnegan's Wake? You can avoid the dog crap by walking around it. I have to read and review Finnegan's Wake.

Rival Deer Found in Grass Valley Front Yard

Grass Valley, CA -- This morning a local reader...

North Korean Leader Upset American Sniper Not About Him

Pyongyang, North Korea -- In a bizarre press release...

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.