January, 2022

Damnation Army Seeks Important Satanist Thrift Shopping Demographic

According to a prospectus provided by the Church, their Citrus Heights flagship store has grown by over 400%.

Latest

Subaru Announces 2023 Limited Edition Bernie Sanders Outback

Japanese automaker Subaru announced earlier this week that it plans on releasing a limited run of what is tentatively called the Bernie Sanders Outback LE or Limited Edition.

State of Jefferson Website Honored with Layout of the Year Award

The Jurisdiction of the Jefferson State Militia website was nominated last year for its innovative design and faced stiff competition.

Inflation Concerns Drive Motel 6 to Rename to Motel 7

The 56-year-old budget hospitality and lodging chain Motel 6 announced this week that it is going to rename itself given extraordinary inflation and economic pressures.

Mormon Graffiti Saved Man in Idaho Truck Stop

The Mormon church has been around since the mid-1800's by Joseph Smith under questionable pretenses. It has since grown to 14 million members around the world. The Mormons use all manner of recruiting tools to save souls.

Area Man Grows Giant Hairy Cock

Walter Truman is primarily an egg farmer in Camptonville, but in an attempt to make a better layer he also breeds chickens.

Supply Chain Issues Linked to Massive Cat Attacks

Department of Defense officials say they are taking "humane steps" to help "mitigate the threat."

Local Entrepreneur Connects Militants with Snacks

Local aspiring tech entrepreneur and part-time gun show volunteer William Buxley has been looking for an opportunity to disrupt industry through technology. When armed militants took over a federal building at Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon and then requested that supporters send snacks, Buxley saw an opportunity.

Scientology and Jordan Peterson Close to a 5 Year Deal

According to rumors, Canadian Clinical Psychologist Jordan Peterson is close to a deal with the Church of Scientology.

Goodwill Denies Reselling Dog Shit in Plastic Bags

Goodwill industries is denying that it packaged dog feces for resale.

E! Entertainment Cancels ‘Selfies with the Kardashians’ After Two Episodes

Executive Producer Ryan Seacrest (b. 1974 Ryan Epstein) said he was disappointed that the E! Entertainment Network failed to pick up his latest show Selfies with the Kardashians, and criticized the television network for "not giving it a real chance."

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Tax Firm To Offer Free Porn While You Wait

Simon Tax Specialists has come up with a perfect program for those of us that suffer during tax season. Simon is now offering free porn while you wait for your taxes to be completed.

Must Read

Gaming Leads to Small Town Violence

Tragedy struck the usually quaint town of Lumberton, NC this past week after a gamer got out of control.

Area Wicca Practitioners Replace Vaccines with Witchcraft

In what some are hailing as a breakthrough in the movement, local anti-vaccine activists and Wicca practitioners have teamed up to prevent childhood vaccinations and treat Autism with Witchcraft.

Poll: Trump’s Education Agenda Results Are In

The Hart Research Associates conducted a poll for the American Federation of Teachers, a 1.5 million member union. The poll indicated that nearly half the people who said they voted for Trump oppose his agenda for education. Many voters are saying they will not likely re-elect their congressional representatives.

Hank Williams III Disowns Father Over Clinton Endorsement

Hank Williams III, the son of Hank Jr. has come out with a scathing statement in which he disowned his father for turning his back and giving his support to Hillary Clinton.

Family Shocked as Dad Actually Turns the Damn Car Around

A Tacoma, WA father finally had enough.

Kool Aid Man Denies Involvement With ISIS Prison Break

The famous mascot for Kool-Aid, the Kool-Aid Man, denies any collusion with ISIS forces.

Donald Trump Concedes Election from North Korea

Mr. Trump made a surprise trip to North Korea to make an important announcement.

County Enjoys 4th Straight Day Without a Car Accident

The greater Nevada County area just enjoyed its 4th consecutive day without a single car accident. The stretch of Hwy 49 between Auburn, through Grass Valley, and into Nevada City is a complete mess of treacherous roadway and stupid drivers.

Dick Punch Dating Offers Innovative Service

Dick Punch Dating Service ("DP Dating"), offers women a solution. By simply wearing a small GPS locator on themselves, and a with push of a button, help is on the way.

America Calls for Sean Hannity to Drop Out of the Media within 24 Hours

On the heals of Sean Hannity's about about-face support of controversial Alabama Senatorial candidate Roy Moore, The United States of America has asked that the popular Fox News show host step down from all media productions if he can't prove that he's not a charlatan.

Sci-Fi Fans Longing For New Dick

As science fiction fans gathered in Las Vegas to celebrate their favorite genre, many expressed a deep longing for more Dick.

Nevada City Schools to Observe Muslim Holidays

Following the lead of the New York City school system, the nation's largest, the upstart Sierra Nevada foothills community of Nevada City announced that its schools will observe the two most important Muslim holidays next school year.

Area Man Not Sure Where Brussels Is

As the world is trying to understand the recent terror attacks in Europe, an area man admitted to his waiter in the Asian Gardens Chinese Restaurant that he has no idea where Brussels is. Terry Adkinson, 62, holds strident opinions on world affairs and is a proud Donald Trump supporter.

Lifestyle

Road Safety Experts Concerned About New Costco-sized Delivery Trucks

According to several road safety experts, the new Costco-sized delivery trucks are dangerous.

County Historian: Quaint Victorian Actually a Whorehouse

When the Foster family was relocating to Nevada City from Fremont, CA, they wanted to make sure that they purchased a house with character. Jim and Daphne Foster and their three children wanted a house with history. And according to local historian Dan Braggart, they "got just that: a whorehouse."

Bernie Sanders: I Will Make America Metric

Bernie Sanders announced to a crowd of over 14,000 people at a campaign stop at NYU in New York City that when he is elected President, his first executive action will include a plan to convert America's ancient imperial measures and units to the metric system.

Area Woman Raises Funds To Ship Fleshlights To Troops Overseas

Area women Grace Bowles has started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for Fleshlights to be deployed soldiers overseas.

Trump Bans Thespians from Military Service

In another in a long line of "governing by tweets," President Trump announced early this morning via Twitter that Thespians have no place in the military and will be not allow to serve their country.

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Local Schizophrenic Lawyer Sues Self for Fall

Nevada County is about to make legal history as Fernwood Z. Frischland, Esq., filed a civil suit against himself for a nasty fall he suffered in front of his home at 24444 Old Tunnel Road.

Business

Trump Settles For Holographic Wall

A source close to President Trump said that he would be willing to settle for a "Holographic Wall" along the Mexican border.

Vaccinations Now Mandatory for Burning Man Attendees

Organizers for the annual Burning Man event are announcing a surprise move by Pershing county officials, even for Pershing county officials.

In Most Brilliant, Magnanimous Move Ever, North Korea Bans Sarcasm Which Will TOTALLY Help Their Image

The incredibly intelligent, open-minded, fair, and incredibly roguishly handsome Kim Jong-un has taken the bold, decisive, and truly progressive step of banning sarcasm in North Korea.

Pink Floyd to Tour Without Pink Floyd Songs

The surviving members of legendary rock band Pink Floyd will reunite next year with a North American tour. A tour that the band says will be “on Pink Floyd's terms.”

New DMV Photo System Promises Faster/More Hideous Pictures

The California Department of Motor Vehicles announced a new photo identification system that not only promises a faster and more effective photo process, but also guarantees the it will take the most hideous and unflattering picture of you.

Cthulhu Joins Amway

In what is being discussed as a deathblow to Earth and its inhabitants, Cthulhu (pronounced Khlûl′-hloo), the gigantic, wholly evil entity worshiped by cultists who conducts human sacrifices, has joined Amway. This announcement sent shocks through the MLM world, as well as terrifying humanity.

Trash Collector Tired Of Finding Dead Bodies

James Fettorcini is a trash collector in the Bronx, NY. He holds the official Department of Waste record for most dead bodies found.

Area Man Still Sucks at Sitar

David “Davi” Simmons vividly remembers hearing the sitar for the very first time. It was during a late night “sesh” back in high school when a friend played him George Harrison’s Within You Without You from The Beatles late sixties masterpiece, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Ex AC/DC Singer Brian Johnson Debuts New Hoover Vacuum Jingle: VIDEO

Johnson debuted his new Hoover vacuum jingle to mixed reviews over the weekend. “It fucking rocks,” said longtime AC/DC die-hard, Larry Burgess. “It sounds like he did took a time machine back to the early 80’s. Powerful stuff man!”

Water Runs into the Ocean, Trump Points Out

President Trump gave a concerning and rambling speech about water and Iran during a press conference about a $16 billion farm bail-out package.

More Galloping

Brief: Prostitution Ring Discovered In Hot Locked Car

According to authorities, the prostitution ring was being operated out of a Chrysler Minivan.

Misc. Crap for Sale in Cedar Ridge

Really just a bunch of crap to put with your existing crap

Gish Gallop Review: Finnegans Wake is an Impenetrable Piece of Crap

What's the difference between a pile of dog crap and Finnegan's Wake? You can avoid the dog crap by walking around it. I have to read and review Finnegan's Wake.

Rival Deer Found in Grass Valley Front Yard

Grass Valley, CA -- This morning a local reader...

North Korean Leader Upset American Sniper Not About Him

Pyongyang, North Korea -- In a bizarre press release...

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.