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Area grocery shoppers were shocked to find inappropriate videos on a local Safeway automated checkout.

Hackers Install Porn onto Automated Grocery Checkout

A local hacker group calling themselves the 420 Knights successfully installed adult videos onto area Safeway self-checkout machines. The group, which tool responsibility for the act yesterday via a Twitter feed, said that they were doing this this to "disrupt the robots" and to "give power back to the people." The tweet also contained a #FeelTheBern hashtag.
The Weather Channel plans on including an innovative mass shooting forecast.

Weather Channel To Include Mass Shooting Forecasts

The Weather Channel announced late this week that will start including hourly, daily, and weekly mass shooting forecasts in their local weather segments they broadcast.
A Typical American Junk Drawer Filled with Typical American Crap.

Junk Drawer Won’t Open Despite Repeated & Forceful Attempts

Local resident and average guy Chip Day failed to open a "Junk Drawer" in his Morgan Ranch home despite repeated and forceful attempts to do so.
Lemmy Kilmister, frontman of legendary proto thrash-metal band Motörhead dead at 70

Gish Gallop Salutes Our Heroes: Lemmy Kilmister Dead at 70

Lemmy Kilmister, founding member and frontman of Motörhead. has died. He was 70 years old. Kilmister — who legendarily survived diabetes and implantation of a heart defibrillator — was diagnosed with the disease just two days ago, the band said in a statement.
According to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, the former Obama Administration didn't vet President Trump's picks.

Sean Spicer: Obama Administration Didn’t Fully Vet The People Trump Hired

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made head turn yet again today when he said that it has “become increasingly clear” since the Trump administration took power in January that the previous administration did a “Russian piss-party-poor job” of vetting them.
Area racist Ray Dean Edington claims people don't get his racist jokes and gestures.

Area Racist Says He Was “Just Kidding” About The Racist Things He Said

Area racist Ray Dean Edington claims people don't get his racist jokes and gestures.
Karen Waters of Topeka, Kansas received a swift response from Jesus Christ.

Area Woman Asks Jesus to Protect Trump. Jesus Says No

Karen Waters of Topeka, Kansas received a swift response from Jesus Christ.
Thomas Kevlin of North San Juan find Girl Scout Cookie Creamer funny.

Local Farmer Chortles at “Girl Scout Cookie” Creamer

Local Ridge farmer Thomas Kevlin giggled Friday at local the Grass Valley Grocery Outlet after discovering a Coffee-Mate Creamer called "Girl Scout Cookie."
Spongebob Squarepants will perform at Donald Trump's inauguration.

Spongebob SquarePants Booked for Trump Inauguration

With the recent spate of celebrities either refusing to perform at President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony or canceling their prior agreement to do so, the President-elect received a welcome bit of news this morning when television star Spongebob SquarePants agreed to make an appearance.

Gish Gallop Recipe: Placenta ala King

Here's a recipe my grandmother used to talk about all the time. She raised eight children during the Great Depression and never wasted a single morsel of food.

Smartest Man In The World Drives Like An Asshole

Samuel Richards has been proclaimed the "smartest man in the world" with 7 degrees, an Oxford Fellowship, a Nobel Prize and the winner of a ballroom dancing championship. Mr. Richards has one major flaw: he drives like an asshole.